AL EXANDRA HART L EY - L EONARD
Sobriety meetings are a sacred space . It ’ s hard to describe what I love most . I have only ever attended them online . I have heard some people say they prefer attending them in person , but time and time again I am in awe of just how lucky I feel to have had my particular journey . The community found me when our communities were all sent inside , allowing some of the most amazing people I ’ ve ever met from all over the world (!), people I would never have met otherwise , come right into my life ... and it was there that I realized the indescribable value of connecting with other people that have “ your thing ”. As Laura McKowen perfectly describes “One stranger who understands your experience exactly will do for you what hundreds of close friends and family who don't understand cannot. It is the necessary palliative for the pain or stretching into change. It is the cool glass of water in hell.” Hearing Linda describe her relapse , I was brought back to those visceral feelings of early days - the ones that both now feel dreamlike but also never ever leave my mind . On the occasion that I have been asked to share , I have gone back to really sit with that time . Otherwise , I don ’ t spend a lot of time there , after all , didn ’ t I work hard to leave that mental space ? When I experience someone else ’ s story the way I felt while listening to Linda , I am reminded again of the undeniable, important role that community plays in this experience. I want to describe for you , the feeling you get in meetings where it’s almost like you actually enter the person’s story and feel their experience. I heard early on that if you go to enough meetings , eventually , you will hear your story . I took this to mean “ even though so far this has been your unique and lonely journey , you will find that you are not alone at all . Here you will eventually hear that someone else has been through exactly what you have been through , even more than you can imagine ”.
But that is not exactly what I mean when I say that I could feel Linda ’ s story because it came to me not as the experience in me seeing the similar experience in her - but more as the future possible version of me , reaching through time to softly tap me on the head and let me know exactly what it could feel like . Exactly what it would feel like . A visceral warning light . An opportunity to know the feeling before I make the choice so that I could save myself from the pain of it. She spoke with such raw honesty , and indeed there were many parts that I related to from her early days as a teenager and the feeling that she had when she discovered what alcohol could do for her . The things it does for many of us - releases us from insecurities , makes us feel “ cooler ”, brings out a more extroverted side of us that seems to be more fun , more pleasing to other people , at the end of the day - the social and emotional lubricant it promises so many . Different from me though , Linda realized earlier on in her life that she needed and wanted to walk away from it , and she successfully did ... as I have now . Her reasons were similar to mine - to be a better mother , to be more present , to be free of the endless nagging feeling of “ when would the next drink come ?” She did it . She was free . And she knew it . She was proud . She appreciated it . I feel these things now . I now feel that gratitude , that freedom , that ability to be more present with my young boys , the pride in having done it . I would be lying if I said I ’ ve never wondered if I would find a time when drinking could enter my life again , and even now - worried about what situation or thinking might “ get me ”, but for the most part , as I said - I try not to spend a lot of time there .
| AUGUS T 202 1 • HOL A SOB E R |
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