AL EXANDRA HART L EY - L EONARD
T H E G I F T O F S T O R I E S
And then someone picks up a piece of your shame and hurt and regret, and says “Thank you. This is a gift I will take with me forever” . And just like that - part of your pain has transformed into good , and you are able to be released from it a little bit , or even completely . I don ’ t know what my future holds . None of us do . I feel so secure in my sobriety right now because it feels good . It ’ s frankly still new , the joy from the freedom of it is still close to me , so frankly - it ’ s easy . In meetings , I often talk about how difficult it is to walk away from alcohol because I know that it is - I walked that path and it was maybe the hardest thing I ever did . But now ? For me? Sobriety isn’t hard. Life is hard sometimes, and dealing with it sober is new , so * that * is hard because I am learning in hard moments how to use new tools to “ stay ” instead of numbing it out , but sobriety ? No . That isn ’ t hard . It ’ s joyful . Do you know the phrase “ youth is wasted on the young ”? Getting sober feels like getting to be young again .... but with all the wisdom you have picked up along the way , so you actually get to appreciate it this time . What I learned from Linda ’ s share was not only to hold onto this precious new life , but also to keep it close , and to do that by always coming back to my community . Another wonderful woman in one of our meetings once said “ I keep my sobriety close , like a jewel I wear around my neck next to my heart .” I think of that image often . I said to Linda the day she shared her story with us , I * know * that if I ever start letting in those other voices again , the ones that tell me I ’ ve learned my lesson , that things can be different now - I know that the little voice inside of me will be that much louder , that it will be the both of our voices saying together “ Don ’ t . Don ’ t do it .” Her story will live with me always as a reminder of the pain I do not have to face, and for that gift- I am forever grateful.
And yet ...
Here was my friend , describing to me her life experience that I so relate to , and then ... the experience of one of my greatest fears . Listening to her at the moment she described her relapse , I felt very present and very transported into her story . I could feel the pain she experienced in losing this thing that only someone on the other side of the fight can understand how treasured it is . She spoke of a tiny voice in the back of her mind , that was there when she had her first drink . A voice she knew said - “ Don ' t . Don ’ t do it .” It gives me chills to think about . I know that voice . I know how tiny it can be . I also know the source it comes from . It ’ s the strongest place inside you , the place that I only used to connect to in the dark when I was desperate . The voice that I heard say to me “ It ’ s ok . We are going to be ok ” back on the night of July 21 , 2019 , when I made the exact opposite choice that Linda made in this fateful moment she was sharing with us . It rocked me to hear her speak of the spiral down into hell that she experienced not long after that drink . As uncomfortable as it was for me to hear it, both for my own selfish fears and to hear this person that I care for so much describe suffering in that way, it felt like at that moment she was offering me a real gift. Reading her piece back again now , I am so glad to know that she was able to drop the shame afterwards . I think that is part of what we do in these meetings - we can bring the part of ourselves that we think are the absolute worst things we have done , or thought , or obsessed over . We have the space to talk about the parts that we have held down with shame , or fear , or regret . We put these things on a collective table in front of those that understand these pieces personally .
| AUGUS T 202 1 • HOL A SOB E R |
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