HOLA SOBER AUGUST 2021

CHR I S T I N E SO J O

I took an online class with Amanda Grace “Raw” I’m a good student and I found that having an art journal open, with available supplies out in the open, made me way more likely to put something down on the page when I had the urge, or when I had a moment to myself and didn’t know what to do. And what I began to notice on these pages was myself; I started to see my spirit reflected on the pages, the cries from somewhere deep inside. I could see me, and so I began to feel the strong pull to draw her out. I didn’t share my “work” for many years, but I was quietly, diligently, allowing myself to be expressed in all of the messy, un-pretty ways. I learned to hear the critic, and keep going anyway. When I finally decided to pick a quit date (right after my 42nd birthday weekend) I had some tools, and I allowed myself to hear the voices and proceed anyway. I hired a coach, a therapist, regularly attended SheRecovers meetings online, started taking antidepressants, and began to use my art practice as a way to dream and imagine the next phase of my life as a sober, creative woman. Sobriety has made me take a close look at all of areas of my life, and yes, I also know this is a lifelong process. There were times when I would want to blame my partner, or my job, or my kids for my discontent, rather than looking at the part I was playing in all of it as alcohol had let me hide. It allowed me to soften the reality of my life. It kept me in a loop of getting by, just to get through the day to have my drink and let the stress melt away. The reality was it was a snooze button, and when I woke up the next day, my anxiety was buzzing from everything I hadn’t processed. In sobriety, I have found a calmness that I thought alcohol brought me. My moods are stable, I don’t vacillate between “it’s all good” and “OMG I can’t take another minute!!”

What was missing was ME and my art practice has shown me that I am still here and had been all along. I find it really interesting that we don’t save our kids math sheets or spelling tests, but we do hold onto their artwork, we cherish it, because we know it’s a part of them. It came from someplace deep inside. It’s proof of life. Maybe it’s also about finding my voice. When I could put whatever I wanted on the page, and not be judged, not be held back, I started to trust my voice. I started to use my voice in other situations too. I started to say “No, thanks, not for me tonight” when offered a drink because the truth was I really didn’t want it. But what I wanted more was to be part of the group, to be seen by others as wild or silly or cool, to not draw attention to myself. Alcohol kept me from speaking my truth, and art helped me find it and use it. My creativity allowed my true self to grow, and she became a trusted friend. She was the one who pulled me up to the top of the hill, even though I slipped many times, she was there and she rooted for me. She sent me allies, books, articles, podcasts, she encouraged me to sign up for coaching, to find a therapist. My creativity is the best version of me. Creative practice forced me to confront my perfectionism, imposter syndrome, being judged by others, being seen by others, fears of being unliked. Fear of showing who I really am and being rejected. So many of the reasons I drank - wanting to be a part of the cool kids club, not wanting to say no and draw attention to myself or have to explain myself. I learned to stick up for myself, for what I really want, and how I really want to feel. And when I do that, I am free. To drive myself home from a party, remembering all of the conversations, having no regrets, is the best feeling ever. I am actually more connected to others, more inspired by life. And this is where my intuition wants me to be.

My creative self guided me to #the100dayproject and I knew right away that it was something I needed to do. A daily assignment, some accountability, and a way to explore my creativity. I started an Instagram account and decided to do simple pen and ink sketches because I never thought I could draw and knew that the only way to improve something is to DO it. That year the project kept me focused, gave me something to do in the evening lull, and more than that it made me publicly out myself as a “creative” - something I had never done before. It felt so vulnerable to share my work, especially things I was outright embarrassed by, but that project leaves no time to dwell; done is better than perfect. The same philosophy applies to early sobriety. Each day, it might not be pretty, but just get it done . One goal and that is plenty. I might not drink enough water or get around to exercising, and I just might eat a bowl of cereal at 10 pm, BUT I could get to bed without a drink. The days began to accumulate, just like the 100-day project. In the end, I had 100 drawings, many I had forgotten I had even done. And after 100 days of sobriety, I had enough evidence that I could attend social functions, even enjoy them! That I could enjoy a summer evening without a cocktail, that I could go for a bike ride and have bubble water in the parking lot, and I actually preferred it! And I began to claim who I am. I am creative, an artist even, and I prefer not to drink. Drinking kept me in low-level anxiety and depression, it used what little energy I had when the days’ obligations were fulfilled. It took up mental space: how much can I drink tonight? How many have I had? What will happen if I have one more? Maybe if I eat a bunch of chips I can have one more?

| AUGUS T 202 1 • HOL A SOB E R |

Made with FlippingBook - professional solution for displaying marketing and sales documents online