MY JOURNEY AS AN EMOTIONAL WATER WITCH | Martha Duke |
Meanwhile, my mom pushed us away if we hugged her, she resented us for needing things, made us start working as soon as possible because even needing school clothes was a burden. Life felt like I was an observer at the zoo, I got to go to other places and “view” happiness and pure love. Now I am in the zoo, my household is safe, happy and loving. I enjoy providing for my children. When I was in 7th grade I didn’t make the cheer squad and was crying, my mom with zero sympathy said “thank god, because I didn’t have the money”. My son came to me wanting to go to wrestling camp and I couldn’t pay fast enough! I don’t have lots of clothes or nice things for myself and I’m ok with that. My children are not spoiled, they are kind, empathetic and smart. They are resilient and I know they had to forgive me for so much and much like I did with my own mother make sense of my whys. The thing is I can with all that I have to say I always loved, liked and wanted my children. Things were what my son used to call “the dark times” and I am not ashamed, but empowered. Our dark times was a sentence of our story, but I’ve done the work to be the mother they need. I will not pass the trauma baton it dies with me. Being the best mother I can be and letting other people know it’s ok to stop running to the well, even if it is a parent. My job is to love my children and raise loving men who will always have a safe space. I could never imagine my sons calling me in pain and me not racing to them, no matter their age. I’ve been given so many different explanations, but as my life long friends say “she’s just crazy”. She’s not crazy, she just has her own issues, but they are no longer mine. I did not have a well to draw from and I spent my life being an emotional water witch, combating my own issues of abandonment and if I am forced to find a silver lining I am more resilient than I ever thought I was. I still struggle with romantic relationships and affection. Sometimes the thought “my own mother doesn’t love me how could anyone else” passes across my mind. Mindfulness helps me embrace the thought and remind myself of how many people do love me and help me focus on keeping my well full for my own children who deserve the world and maybe, hopefully, one day I can meet someone but that’s a concern for another season of life. NOTE: I follow Martha on Instagram and read a post where she admitted writing this blog post was very difficult but needed to be done. I contacted her directly and asked could I use this in Hola Sober and she was gracious enough to give her permission. This was originally posted on myOutloudrecovery.com in July.
Martha Dukes is an advocate for sobriety and trauma recovery based in NYC. Martha Duke founder of Out Loud Recovery is 2 years sober from alcohol. A single mother of two raising her boys in Manhattan. Out Loud Recovery isn’t just a blog, but a mission to break the stigma surrounding addiction and recovery.
myOutloudrecovery.com
@Martharecoveringoutloud
https://www.myoutloudr ecovery.com/blog-1
| AUGUS T 202 1 • HOL A SOB E R |
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