by Maria Sweby
Ear l y into my sobr iety , I read the fol lowing sentence : sobr iety i s not about dropping the bot t le , i t ’ s about picking up the pieces . I was real l y unaware of how much I would have to do that , how deep that would go for me . L ike many women , I drank to gi ve me some kind of Dutch courage - especial l y when I was “ out - out ” . Thi s was because , again l ike many women , I was ser ious l y unhappy wi th my body and my looks ; I had l inked my sel f - wor th so closel y to i t that there were t imes I didn ’ t go outs ide for weeks because I couldn ’ t bear people looking at me . I t makes me sad for the Mar ia I was then , the one who fel t wor thless despi te al l her achievements , her gr i t , her res i l ience , her wi t , her intel l igence , her kindness . . . none of that meant anything because I was fat . And because of that , I bought clothes which covered my body , and I made bad fashion choices , I mean awful . Looking back now , was i t because I fel t l ike I didn ’ t deserve to wear nice clothes ? As a fat person , there i s an assumpt ion that you want to lose weight and be a s i ze 10 . In order to do that you have to starve yoursel f and do lots of exerci se . So food and exerci se are not neut ral zones - they ’ re pol i t ici sed . The absence of qual i ty spor tswear in s i zes over a UK16 are one example of how you mustn ’ t be fat , but you can ’ t be seen outs ide in spor tswear . What ’ s stopped me exerci s ing in publ ic i s that I was the fat test one in the class ( and people would pat roni s ingl y say “ oh good for you ” because I had turned up ) - so , in order to go to the gym you have to have a gym body al ready ? Um , OK . . . Or out running and hav ing men shout ‘ encouragement ’ f rom the car as they dr i ve past me , holding my boobs because I am a 36 HH and ( surpr i se ! ) spor ts bras don ’ t come in that s i ze or dragging my running pants up because I had to buy men ’ s s i zes . Fast forward to that moment of clar i ty when I decided to gi ve up dr inking , to drop the bot t le and star t to pick up the pieces . There was a lot I needed to let go of . I read When Things Fal l Apar t by Pema Ch ӧ dron : thi s book helped to me see l i fe as a ser ies of moments we cannot predict and which we can never get back , as such what choice do we have except to embrace them whatever they might be
. As big an idea as that sounds , I star ted to appl y i t to my feel ings about my body - I had lost weight and gained i t ( again and again ) , I ’ d been waxed , dyed , massaged and make - upped but . . . I st i l l fel t unwor thy . Of course , the problem wasn ’ t my weight , the problem was the way I thought about i t , how I t ied i t to everything . How many ‘ moments ’ had I mi ssed , had I not deepl y embraced , because I didn ’ t feel l ike I deserved them ? I didn ’ t feel , as a fat woman , I had a r ight to be happy wi th mysel f , to feel sexy and beaut i ful . And what a huge waste of t ime al l of that was . How much was I mi ss ing out on ? L ike dr inking , diet ing and beauty are pushed at women as ways to show we are success ful , admi rable and at t ract i ve - and we need to suf fer to be beaut i ful . Wel l , i f i t ’ s al l the same to you , no thank you . No more hiding , no more apologi s ing , no more gui l t , no more obl igat ion - I refused to shr ink mysel f to increase my value , I stepped away . have always wanted to do : sea swimming . I went in a bikini ( as i t ’ s al l I have ) , and I swam in the sea AND THEN I posted i t on Instagram . I t ’ s the f i rst t ime I have exerci sed because I love the way i t makes my body feel . I t ’ s the Nor th Sea , i t ’ s f reez ing , but i t ’ s the best feel ing ever . And I threw mysel f into something I I go wi th a bunch of sober gi r l s who are al l so much younger and cooler than I am . And i t ’ s epic .
@gardenyarns Usually found knitting, gardening or daydreaming on a beach. Bookish, nerdy and really into studying. Married. Very happily sober 31.12.18.
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