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By J.C. Duffy Colonial Day Along the Gold Coast

D o you know about colonial day? At Nathan Hale One Regret Elementary School, where our son Oliver attends fifth grade, it’s a BIG production in which the school gym is transformed into a kind of Colonial America mall. Students research life as a particular colonial artisan and collect props and design shop signs to create their “storefront” in a refrigerator box. Colonial Day teaches students how to work as a team, hone their public speaking skills and spend money.

wheels! I quickly drove to my Mercedes dealership and brought back some Michelins and Dunlop radials. On Colonial Daymy wife and I helped our son get started and then strolled among the other storefronts to check out the competition. The bookbinding shop was an impressive operation run by young Kingsley Knopf, a direct descendant of Alfred A. Knopf. Floor-to- ceiling shelves showcased books from the Poor Richard’s Almanac Best Seller List, and the book he was binding was “Treason For Dummies,” by Benedict Arnold. The little girl who was the dressmaker, from the Hilfiger family, had

The kids wear tricorner hats, loose blouses, short pants and long skirts, and present their trade to an invited audience of enthusiastic parents. Each student prepares a presentation about their trade: t avern owner, shoemaker , glassblower, blacksmith, tinsmith , silversmith, gunsmith and all the other smiths. They remain in character while manning their booths. Colonial Day is a student project, in theory, but in our ultra-competitive school the parents have taken over, using their influence and wallets to create the ultimate colonial shop. It has become an opportunity for well-to-do parents to showcase their own professional and creative abilities. Woe to the kid whose parent has no building or sewing skills. The architect kid’s housewright

shop essentially has electricity, running water and WIFI. And the kid whose parent owns an appliance showroom has no problem getting a refrigerator box, which is a big problem for all the other parents. When the little girl whose mother teaches at The Actors Studio learned the students would be “in character,” she turned her daughter into a miniature Meryl Streep. The child presented “The Crucible, Jr.” and sobbed about the angst and emotional turmoil involved in being a wig maker. When my wife and I asked Oliver what kind of tradesman he wanted to be he said he wanted to be the guy who makes and sells fidget spinners. We talked him into being a wheelwright instead. Step one: I bought a new refrigerator. I painted the box brick-red, but I ran out of paint before I was able to cover the word “Maytag.” I told Oliver to tell people that was the name of his shop, and that his Colonial name was Ethan Maytag. Neithermywife nor I really have any building or sewing skills, but we do have shopping skills. So, Oliver’s clothes came from a professional costumer and his storefront’s furniture came from Ikea. We set up Oliver’s booth the night before the event, and I realized at the last minute that this was a wheelwright’s shop without any

a collection of dresses worthy of the Red Carpet at the Tony Awards. The boy playing the tavern keeper (last name: Heineken) kept the beer flowing. This was my favorite booth. (I hope the student at the printer’s shop wasn’t making fake IDs for his classmates.) At the end of the day we left the gymnasium to the sounds of “Yankee Doodle” playing on a fife and drum and a youthful “town crier” ringing a bell and calling out, “Last call for Heineken!” On our way to our car we passed a farming demonstration behind the school, and the horse pulling the plow was rumored to have come in third in last year’s Belmont Stakes. I took home three souvenirs: a small 13-star colonial flag, a tub of butter I churned myself and a mild hangover. All in all, Colonial Day is a highlight of the school year and a time-honored tradition. It’s the culmination of many weeks of hard work and big spending, and a wonderful way to make history and credit cards come alive. --- J.C. Duffy is a cartoonist and writer whose cartoons appear regularly in The New Yorker and other magazines. His books include collections of his syndicated newspaper comic strip, “The Fusco Brothers.” *

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