OUR JOURNEY TO BECOMING DADDY & DAD!
We still remember the day our social worker phoned to tell us that we had been approved to adopt. We cried, screamed, laughed…. WOW, we are going to be Dad’s and then the waiting game started. From approval to adopt, it took us about 6 months to be matched with a child. And…… finally in late 2009, the call we had been waiting for came, it was to discuss a little boy who was 18 months old that was a potential match. That evening our social worker called to the house with his file, shared lots of information with us about his story, how he ended up for adoption and also shared some photos with us. We had a couple of hours with her to look through everything and then she left, taking with her all the photos and information, we weren’t allowed keep anything until the match had been approved. We can still see that photo in our minds toady! We cried that night with joy that we were so close to being parents but also with sadness that in the world today, a child through no fault of their own can end up in the system. The next few months were tough, lots of meetings with every professional involved in our son’s life, from his social worker, medical advisors to foster parents, this was all part of the matching process to ensure that it would be a successful match. RANG AND THE MATCH HAD BEEN APPROVED, WE COULD FINALLY MEET OUR SON “ THEN THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS, THE PHONE Then the week before Christmas, the phone rang and the match had been approved, we could finally meet our son for the first time in 3 weeks, January 2010. To say that we celebrated that evening would be an understatement, it was the best Christmas present we could have ever asked for and to top it off we both arrived home from work to find our social worker had put a copy of all his photos through our letter box. We now had 3 weeks to child proof our house, start adoption leave from work and get ready to be Dad’s. We flew back to Cork for a few days so that we could share the good news, we handed Christmas cards to our parents with copies of our son’s photos inside, saying Happy Christmas, this is your grandson. And then fast forward 5 years and we did it all again, the second time round was much quicker, it took us about 12 months from contacting the agency to being match and approved, and during the summer of 2015 we finally got to meet our second son who was 4 years old. So that day in 2010 and again in 2015 meeting our sons for the first time, we can honestly say were and are to this day the best days of our lives.
Returning home to live in Cork, well in May 2015 watching events unfold at Dublin castle and around the country as Ireland overwhelming voted in favour of same sex marriage, we for the first time started to think the country we ran away from nearly 15 years earlier had sent a clear signal that we were now welcome. In December 2016 we moved back home to Cork. ,Our experience as a LGBT+ family so far has been very positive, our children’s school, Carrigaline Educate Together are so inclusive and welcoming which made the transition for our children easier, hence making our lives easier due to their core values and equality-based ethos. Family, friends and work colleagues are all very accepting. However, there have been some challenges, which reminds us that we can never forget that the flight for LGBT+ rights continue. We had a very interesting experience with registering our children for PPS numbers, let’s just say that the computer needed a “Mother” and “Fathers” name with the staff member needing to seek a lot of additional advice on how our children’s applications should be processed. Additionally, our children were also unable to obtain Irish citizenship until 2017 when the Children and Family Relationships Act 2015 came into effect on the grounds that we were a same sex couple. To think that our eldest son was living with us for 7 years and held a non-Irish passport that on occasion when travelling abroad would prompt additional questions at passport control. Five years on, we have no regrets having left the UK to return to Cork as an LGBT+ family. Writing this piece for Cork Pride reminds us of how important Pride is, how those before us fought so hard over the years for rights that have made it easier for us today, it’s important more than ever that we celebrate Pride to be proud of who we are, what we have achieved and to highlight the inequalities that members of the LGBT+ community continue to face today. Our journey is not over yet, as at some stage in the future we may be writing a piece about being same sex Grandparents, but let’s hope that’s a long way off for now!
Our first family photo on day 1 of meeting our second son!
By Kevin Egan Higgins
So, this story started many years ago in the early noughties, we both left Cork separately, not knowing of each other at that time, both in our early 20’s and yet to embrace our sexuality. Our story is so similar, and no doubt will resonate with others out there. The Ireland and Cork back then was very different to today, being gay was something that we personally found hard to explore here. Back then the idea of ever being openly gay, getting married, let alone have children was something we could only dream of, and it honestly felt that if we did come out of the closet, then all those things would be lost forever. How wrong we were and lucky for our generation things were changing for the LGBT+ community in the UK, Ireland and across Europe! We decided to move to the UK, I guess on reflection we were running away from a place where we felt we couldn’t be ourselves, and to a place that was disconnected from our family and friends in Cork so that we could explore our sexuality with some anonymity. Yes, we were excited and scared, who are we? Are our thoughts wrong? What will our family and friends think? Will we be accepted? All those questions taunted us for years. Well, as a gay couple and as closeted gay men for many years, we are so glad that we did leave Cork, as if we hadn’t, I don’t think we would have found each other and achieved all those goals that seemed impossible all those years ago. Today we are husbands, Dads and most importantly a very proud LGBT+ family. We both moved to the same area of the UK within a year of each other, our paths had never knowingly crossed when we both lived in Cork. We were introduced to each other through a group of mutual friends and the rest is history as they would say. During the 2000’s, life was starting to change for the better in the UK for the LGBT+ community. In December 2005 the first Civil Partnership took place in England and in the same month, the Adoption and Children Act 2002, allowing for same sex couples to adopt came into effect. These were huge events that enabled us to take a step closer to equality.
During 2006 we took the brave decision to “come out” to our family and friends having been together for over 3 years. We had a civil partnership in 2007 and started our journey to become Daddy & Dad. Our dreams and hopes that once felt out of reach were now within touching distance. One of our very first experiences beginning our adoption journey, wasn’t a positive one. Considering we were all excited, how will this work? how long will we be waiting? Like any new parent to be, whether you are gay, straight, single, having a baby naturally, through adoption or surrogacy, you are excited, nervous, anxious and need positive reassurance. What we got and didn’t expect was “We suggest you contact the adoption team of your local authority as we don’t have experience of matching children with people like you…”, it was a private adoption agency that had a religious affiliation, we were the only same sex couple at the event, and we left someone deflated and disheartened questioning were we doing the right thing or not, and although we could now legally adopt, was this going to be a harder process than we had first envisaged and would discrimination within the system sabotage our dreams. After several months procrastinating about what to do, we finally got the courage up to contact the adoption team at our local authority that was run by the council, part of us expecting a negative experience again but we got completely the opposite. They couldn’t have been more different, positive and welcoming. We met other individuals from the LGBT+ community also going through the process that we are still friends with today. It took us 2 years to adopt our first child from our initial contact with the adoption team. What an emotional rollercoaster ride of highs and lows that time was. We had to attend various parenting and training events, we were fortunate to have a social worker assigned to us that was very experienced and accepting. However, we didn’t enjoy the whole experience as the social worker’s role in assessing our suitability to adopt was to delve into every part of our life, so at times it felt intrusive but was necessary considering a child, that in most cases will have had a very negative start in life would be placed with us for the rest of their lives.
Our first Cork Pride
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