Confessions of a payroll manager – Never can say goodbye
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. E very year around this time I’m overwhelmed by one of two feelings: either a deep and most welcome sense of relief that an apprentice who has caused me nothing but trouble – and not once managed to make me a decent cup of tea – is finally going, or a sense of absolute dread and a very real grief that an apprentice who has been very special – and has made many excellent cups of tea – is coming to the end of their contract. If you’ve been following my confessions for a while I think you’ll already know which way I was feeling this year. Our dear apprentice Jace had been more than an asset to our humble team – he’d kept us going when we’d been caught up in biscuit-based traumas, sorted out boxes of tissues for Evie when she’d been even more emotional than her usual ‘emotionally available’ self and, most importantly, had full and frank discussions with me about Ice road truckers and the merits of Storage hunters . As a payroll manager I’m perfectly placed to not only see the potential in our team but also to find ways to retain and develop that potential. I was not letting Jace go! I started to think of ways I could keep hold of Jace while also cost neutralising him to keep our finance department happy. However, I think Jace might have
overheard me talking about this with Frank Leigh (our deputy director) and possibly just caught his own name and the word ‘neutralise’. It’s the only explanation I can come up with for him suddenly needing to ‘go to the little boys room’ every time I approached him. It didn’t take long for me to identify a gap in our team that Jace could potentially fill. With our new system settling in and a rapidly expanding company – our Crumbitt’s Crinkles had had an 8,000% increase in sales since being featured as a favourite biscuit on The only way is Essex and the other ranges were also feeling the impact – we really needed someone in a payroll projects role. This role would focus on customer service, getting the most from the new technology and, fittingly, the very first project would be recruiting a new apprentice. Well, who could know more about what it took to be an excellent apprentice than an excellent apprentice… Mr Crumbitt was an easy-sell on appointing Jace to the new role. He’d always been a big fan; ever since he’d crammed a handful of Mr Crumbitt’s brussel sprout and gravy Yorkshire whirls in his mouth without gagging, Jace had been held in the highest regard. He was also very excited about Jace possibly helping him to organise the staff golf day – a ‘competition’ always won by Mr Crumbitt
candidates as suitable as Jace to fill the role and he was appointed three weeks ago to many whoops, tears (from Evie), gentle hugs from me and Tom, and a man-hug which can only be described as ‘brutally celebrational’ from Stevie Stevenson. On Jace’s first day as projects officer he arrived besuited, coiffed and looking all professional – and, quite honestly, not much like our Jace. However, before we could mourn the loss of old Jace he whipped out a box of doughnuts, mussed up his hair and offered to make a round of tea. Jace came up with a new recruitment plan for his replacement which, while not quite how I would do it, was very creative and, judging by how the interviews went, really successful. (I was like a proud parent when Jace announced they had appointed someone – I had to have a sneaky sniff into one of Evie’s tissues and excuse myself from the room for a happy ‘I picked a good one’ dance.) So, today our new apprentice Billie starts and off we’ll go again. How will we cope with a new member of the family? Will they be as amazing as Jace? How will Evie feel about another female in the office and, most importantly, does she make a decent cup of tea? Until next time my fellow payrollites – stay punctilious! ❑ The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
thanks to some creative measuring techniques and an excellent way of
keeping him onside and happy to fund the company’s ‘friends and family’ barbecue every summer. Needless to say, there were no
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| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward |
Issue 28 | March 2017
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