Stories of Hope & Healing
I Feel I Feel Broken Broken ... But I w ant to Heal ... But I want to Heal
S i tt i n g on a falle n tr ee , I k n e w I did n ’ t w a nt to st a y b ro ke n b y g u il t af t e r my ab ort i on — I w a nt to heal a n d st a n d t all agai n , like t he a utumn tr ee s a roun d m e . Sitting on a fallen tree, I knew I didn’t want to stay broken by guilt after my abortion — I want to heal and stand tall again, like the autumn trees around me.
I s a t on t hi s falle n tr ee st a r i n g i nto t he woo d s t hi n ki n g ab out t he ab ort i on a n d t he C halle n ge qu e st i on ab out h ow I ' v e j u dged mys elf a n d c ou ld I gi v e mys elf c omp a ss i on a n d acce pt a n ce . I t ' s j ust so ha r d . M y ab ort i on w a s t h r ee mont h s ag o . I fel t pr e ssur ed b y my b oy f r ie n d . I k now I ' m on l y 19 a n d i n c o llege , b ut I s h ou ld ha v e stoo d up f or w ha t I r eall y w a nt ed . N ow t he g u il t a n d l oss I feel a r e unr eal . I b r eak d own e v e ry t i m e I s ee a mot he r w i t h a bab y — e v e n on tv . I j ust ca n ’ t s ee m to f un c t i on norm all y a nymor e w i t h out t hi s ha unt i n g m e . I k now I j u dge mys elf . A n d I d on ' t w a nt to t ell a nyon e beca us e t he y ' ll j u dge m e too . I h on e st l y d on ' t k now h ow to gi v e mys elf c omp a ss i on a n d acce pt a n ce . I feel like t he b ro ke n tr ee I w a s s i tt i n g on . B ut a s I l oo ked out ov e r all t he bea ut if u l r ed s , y ell ows , g r ee ns o f t he ot he r tr ee s , I r eali z ed I w a nt to be like t he m . T he y ' v e bee n t h rou gh storms — i n cl u di n g w ha t e v e r k no cked d own my s ea t . I d on ' t w a nt to st a y b ro ke n . I w a nt to st a n d t all a n d t h r i v e like t he m . I know I judge myself. And I don't want to tell anyone because they'll judge me too. I honestly don't know how to give myself compassion and acceptance. I feel like the broken tree I was sitting on. But as I looked out over all the beautiful reds, yellows, greens of the other trees, I realized I want to be like them. They've been through storms — including whatever knocked down my seat. I don't want to stay broken. I want to stand tall and thrive like them. L ike a utumn f or t he m , t hi s i s on e s ea son i n my life . I t ' s a ha r d on e f or sur e , b ut I d on ' t w a nt to be b ro ke n a n d stu ck beca us e o f t hi s storm . M y f r ie n d w a s s i tt i n g on he r own l o g a n d too k t hi s p ic tur e . I ' m glad beca us e I ' v e m ade i t my w all p a p e r to r e m i n d m e I d on ' t ha v e to st a y b ro ke n . I w a nt to heal . Like autumn for them, this is one season in my life. It's a hard one for sure, but I don't want to be broken and stuck because of this storm. My friend was sitting on her own log and took this picture. I'm glad because I've made it my wallpaper to remind me I don't have to stay broken. I want to heal. I sat on this fallen tree staring into the woods thinking about the abortion and the Challenge question about how I've judged myself and could I give myself compassion and acceptance. It's just so hard. My abortion was three months ago. I felt pressured by my boyfriend. I know I'm only 19 and in college, but I should have stood up for what I really wanted. Now the guilt and loss I feel are unreal. I break down every time I see a mother with a baby — even on tv. I just can’t seem to function normally anymore without this haunting me.
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