Storm- Tested Storm- Tested Learning to forgive M y self forgive Myself Stories of Hope & Healing
P laci n g my ha n d on t he ba r k , I r eali z ed t ha t like a tr ee w ea t he r i n g storms , m a y be I c ou ld lea rn to li v e w i t h my g u il t af t e r ab ort i on i nst ead o f le tt i n g i t c rus h m e . Placing my hand on the bark, I realized that like a tree weathering storms, maybe I could learn to live with my guilt after abortion instead of letting it crush me.
S t a n di n g t he r e w i t h my ha n d on t he ba r k fel t w ei r d ! B ut I decided to ro ll w i t h i t . I fel t i ts str e n g t h . T he tr ee ’ s bee n t h rou gh storms , a n d y e t i t ’ s st ill st a n di n g , prot ec t ed b y t hi s tou gh out e r la y e r . I t m ade m e t hi n k ab out my own w all s — h ow I ’ v e tr ied to prot ec t mys elf f rom t he p ai n , t he g u il t , t he r eg r e t I ’ v e bee n ca rry i n g s i n ce t he ab ort i on . I ’ v e bee n r e p la y i n g t he s a m e s ce n e s ov e r a n d ov e r , kicki n g mys elf f or w ha t I did , w ha t I did n ’ t d o , a n d h ow t hi n g s e n ded up . T he tr ee g rows stron ge r beca us e i t le ts t he da m age i n , b ut al so kee ps g o i n g . M a y be I n eed to le t mys elf feel t he h urt , le t mys elf g row t h rou gh i t , i nst ead o f j ust s h utt i n g i t d own . W he n I r ead t he r eflec t i on qu e st i on — W ha t wou ld s elf - f or gi v e n e ss l oo k like f or m e ? — h on e st l y , I did n ’ t k now . F or gi v i n g mys elf ? T ha t feel s i mposs ible som e da ys . I ’ v e bla m ed mys elf f or t he ab ort i on f or so l on g t ha t I d on ’ t e v e n k now if I de s e rv e f or gi v e n e ss . I kee p t hi n ki n g I s h ou ld ’ v e bee n be tt e r f or he r . S h ou ld ’ v e st e pp ed up , s aid som e t hi n g , or d on e mor e . The tree grows stronger because it lets the damage in, but also keeps going. Maybe I need to let myself feel the hurt, let myself grow through it, instead of just shutting it down. When I read the reflection question — What would self-forgiveness look like for me? honestly, I didn’t know. Forgiving myself? That feels impossible some days. I’ve blamed myself for the abortion for so long that I don’t even know if I deserve forgiveness. I keep thinking I should’ve been better for her. Should’ve stepped up, said something, or done more. B ut st a n di n g t he r e w i t h my ha n d on t he tr ee , i t hi t m e : M a y be f or gi v i n g mys elf i sn ’ t ab out s a y i n g i t ’ s o ka y . I t ’ s mor e like lea rn i n g to li v e w i t h i t w i t h out bea t i n g mys elf up all t he t i m e . T he tr ee … i t did n ’ t j u dge m e . I t w a s j ust t he r e , st ead y a n d stron g . T he g u il t ’ s not g on e , not b y a l on g s h ot , b ut m a y be I ca n st a rt lea rn i n g h ow to h o ld i t diffe r e nt l y . M a y be I d on ’ t ha v e to ca rry t he w eigh t al on e . But standing there with my hand on the tree, it hit me: Maybe forgiving myself isn’t about saying it’s okay. It’s more like learning to live with it without beating myself up all the time. The tree … it didn’t judge me. It was just there, steady and strong. The guilt’s not gone, not by a long shot, but maybe I can start learning how to hold it differently. Maybe I don’t have to carry the weight alone. Standing there with my hand on the bark felt weird! But I decided to roll with it. I felt its strength. The tree’s been through storms, and yet it’s still standing, protected by this tough outer layer. It made me think about my own walls — how I’ve tried to protect myself from the pain, the guilt, the regret I’ve been carrying since the abortion. I’ve been replaying the same scenes over and over, kicking myself for what I did, what I didn’t do, and how things ended up.
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