Jennifer Bridgman
Jennifer Bridgman
Inbox Wisdom
As I explained to my husband, I feel I am emerging from a very serious addiction—one that made me very sick, yes, but not a lifelong sentence that I need to serve. I explained to him that I believe the "What happened to me?" is that I rewired my perfectly-functioning brain after years of over-exposure to a toxic, addictive substance. My brain behaved exactly as it was designed. My use quickly became a daily habit spanning many years. Habits create our daily thoughts and actions, and therefore our lives. Habits manifest in emotional, spiritual, and physical ways. Alcohol became my priority because I’d become addicted to it—not because I was weak or had some moral shortcomings. At first, I fell in love with how drinking felt. Eventually, I no longer loved the way drinking felt, but not drinking felt even worse. I nurtured my addiction with time, attention, and environments that allowed it to swell and fester. I immediately identified with your email where you quoted Jason Vale’s take on quicksand. Yes, quicksand is a beast—just like addiction. But it seems erroneous to tell someone that once they’ve fallen into the quicksand but managed to climb out that they are still now considered a permanent “quicksander” and will be in recovery for the rest of their life. I know that I personally can never step back into the quicksand, as I will not make it back out. But most importantly, I do not want to. I think that's the biggest misconception of all about addiction; this belief that once a person becomes addicted, they will forever crave the thing deep down. I myself held this
misconception and the fear that I would never feel fulfilled again in life was something that kept me in active addiction for years. Like many things about sobriety, I am so glad to discover I was wrong. I feel I healed through accepting that I was addicted, surrendering to that truth, and then discovering the powerful flame within me that alcohol had tried to extinguish for so many years. I needed alcohol to leave my body before I could regain mental clarity. I needed time and community. Yes, I had to pull myself out of the quicksand, but you can bet your arse that I needed people standing all-around to offer me ropes and root me on. It is one day at a time, yes. Because each day I get the chance to rewire my brain, reestablish new habits, reclaim my power, and recommit to my sobriety. In doing so, I have rediscovered my values, my self-worth, my passions, and my deep love of life. As you say, our renewed lives are not a permanent recovery but a permanent rediscovery of ourselves . And this makes my soul smile, as I set down my heavy pack, pick up my lit torch and travel along the path of my own choosing. Love Jennifer x
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