■ the Christian home
by Paul Bayles, Factor, Christ Community Church Canoga Farit, Calif.
M a r r ie d couples will frequently confess to their ministers an inability to converse and communi cate with their partners. This in ability leaves them isolated, lonely, and frustrated. Wives most often ex press this as a major difficulty in their relationships. Their united com plaint seems to add up to this, “We just can’t get through to our hus bands. We don’t know what they are thinking or what their problems are. Nor can we get them to understand what we are thinking.” Lack of communication in marriage is often a problem, and as such, is no respector of persons. Very plain and ordinary couples express anxiety over this lack of companionship—and so do the sophisticated. Recently a wo man drove to my office in a new Cadillac, entered the room elegantly draped in furs, and soon told a fami liar story of intellectual loneliness and emotional isolation. Whatever may be the cause of all this, we can rule out imagined factors such as poverty, plainness, and ordi nary living. Actually, this problem is spiritual as well as psychological. When a Christian lives closely to Christ, con versation often comes freely and is positive and constructive. When our minds become self-centered and very materialistic, our conversation stoops to a discussion of “ self” and “things.” The poor speak of what they covet, not because they are poor, but be cause they are self-pitying. The rich become bored with all they have, not because they are rich, but because their possessions are all they have. With these attitudes, conversation is bound to run out of gas. When counseling with couples where this is a problem, one must consider the whole personality of the counselees. If they are Christians, where do their real interests lie and what are their attitudes toward life, themselves, and others? What are their value-symbols in life? When the answers to these are discovered and interpreted, the causes of their complaint are usually clarified. Cer tainly there are factors involved, other than one’s basic attitudes, but they are mostly mechanical and di rectly related to attitude. For instance, I often use a device by which I can encourage couples to talk, thereby gaining insight by ob servation. The device consists of two sets of cards on which are statements. Each partner classifies the statements,
depending upon his personal response. Then each one defends his response by stating his reasons. Out of these discussions, the following traits have been observed: 1. Men generally think more deep ly than do women. Furthermore, their thoughts are more in the area of mec hanics and the sciences rather than in the sphere of the skills of inter personal relationships, often innate to women. 2. Women are frequently embar rassed and impatient with the less fluent speech of their husbands and will cover their disapproval by com pleting sentences and thoughts for the faltering male. Wives will appear “nervous” for their husbands or will break in with, “You see, what he means is . . .” 3. Couples married for years do not always know the views held by their mates on rather common sub jects—not because views haven’t been expressed, but because there has not been any interested listening. 4. Couples are surprised at how often they agree on issues when they are unemotionally discussed. 5. They are equally amazed at the ease with which they can accept opposing views, without anger, when they have an attitude of mutual re spect and acceptance. 6. Frequently, one partner will un consciously place far more value upon the outcome of the discussion itself than upon the value of sharing ideas in an atmosphere of permissiveness and companionship. His feelings of inadequacy make it imperative that every conversation be turned into an argument so that he can win it. 7. Many wives verbally overpower husbands to the point that men un consciously hide their views and withhold common information in order to retaliate— a sort of “ I know something you don’t know” weapon. It is the only defense husbands know to use against the more skillful wife ly tongue. Notice how each of these observa tions is directly related to our atti tudes toward ourselves and others. If we are self-pitying and subjective, we will be ready to attack and defend ourselves against our imagined “ ene mies.” Close living to Christ can give us wholesome attitudes of respect to ward ourselves and others, reducing the very tensions that inhibit com panionship. I do not wish to over simplify, but it is true that a happy Christian heart can be your solution.
D R . W I L L I A M CU LBERTSON President, M o od y Bible Institute speaks on the fundamentals of the faith. Christ’s Ascension “ To believe the Bible is to accept its teaching that forty days after the resur rection of our Lord, He ascended into heaven (Acts 1:3). From the slopes of the Mount of Olives, just east of Jeru salem, He went up to heaven. The Word of God clearly sets forth the fact that the resurrected body of the Lord Jesus, though very real, was not subject to the condi tions which bind us. “ He Himself said of this event that it was expedient, better for His disciples. How anything could be better for them than His own presence may well have been difficult for them to understand. But we remember that in His incarnation, so far as His visible appearance was con cerned, He was present in only one place at any one time. With the increase of His Church, He was to be present with, and indeed in, every believer—for the Holy Spirit was to come. Pentecost had to await the ascension (John 7:39). “ In addition, and of great comfort and assurance for the believer in Christ, is the fact that at the Father’s right hand our Lord is now acting as our Mediator, our Intercessor, our Advocate. Through Him we have our access to the Father through the Spirit. In Him we have One who knows our infirmities, and who inter cedes on our behalf. In Him we have One who presents the claims of His sacrifice for us, even in the dark hour of our failure; He pleads our cause. Thank God for His Son ‘who is at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us’ (Romans 8:34).” Every Christian should have a copy of Dr. Culbertson’s book God’s Provision for Holy Living, a happy blending of Bible study and practical exhortation. 112 pages, paper bound. For your free copy, write Moody Bible Institute, Dept. K-0-868, 820 N. LaSalle Street, Chicago 10, Illinois.
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SEPTEMBER, 1960
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