LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Readers are reminded that the views expressed in the letters pages of the Gazette are those of the authors only, and not those of their clubs, unless specifically indicated. CHRISTMAS CROQUET TV chat show’s Russell Harty Was hosting his annual Christmas party Guests arrived in a festive mood SURE FIRE LOSER With the exuberance of youth, I once briefly tried my hand at selling fire extinguishers. I was an abject failure. I know this because I even failed at the local chip shop - the same chip shop where I saw a brand new extinguisher hanging on the wall the very next time I went in for chips.
Drinks washed down the glorious food Music played, some said ‘ Let’s dance’ But one said ‘ Russell is there a chance? That instead of doing the Hokey Cokey We go outside and play some croquet? Partygoers admired their cheek But thought the chance of croquet bleak "After all", a lady cried ‘How can we play it’s dark outside’. But Russell said ‘ Oh never fear’ Pulled back the curtains to a mighty cheer The view was like a bright new dawn Only a floodlit croquet lawn And Russell had gone and decked his halls With croquet mallets and shiny balls So on that cold December night Russell’s garden was a wonderful sight
Having abandoned the project, I happily gave one of my leftover stock to the croquet club and as a result received an immediate enquiry from a fellow member. Well, I did still have another in my car and should ‘Madam’ be genuinely interested... The response was not at all what I had expected. ”Bring it into the clubhouse and we’ll see if I’m going to have a fire,” announced the good lady, before adding, in light of my obvious bewilderment, “You do know that I’m a witch?”
As a matter of fact I didn’t. I knew very little about the lives of the older members once they had crossed the boundary into that other world which lies just beyond the realm of croquet. True enough, I’d witnessed a few of this kind- hearted individual’s better spells on court but had never quite put two and two together. “Stand it in the middle of the table while I find my pendulum,” instructed my prospective customer, who rummaged in her bag to extract a weird-looking object, which she proceeded to suspend by a cord above the extinguisher. Soon the pendulum began to revolve widdershins – or perhaps it was deasil (I can never remember). Whichever it was, the distinct movement led to a confident declaration that, since no domestic inferno was in the offing, the proposed transaction would be unnecessary. Moreover, I doubt even the very best sales manual would have included a section on overcoming the objections of clairvoyants. True enough, there never was any conflagration at my fellow member’s residence, although the extinguisher did eventually prove extremely useful on that fateful day when my own car burst into flames. Laurence Latham
Of people playing shots galore No one bothered keeping score. John Clarke Angmering Croquet Club
07929 940893 mlstuchfield@gmail.com Marie Stuchfield
ROGER'S TYPO UPFATE This month's genuine snippet from history (not made up): Croquet, Edition 5 fules Comment: The Editions can be a bit controversial, I agree. Roger G, Phyllis Court Genuine croquet-related typos to make you smile
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