The Kibbitz
teachings. Jewish teachings have al- ways been quite the opposite: sexual- ity, and in particular sexual pleasure, is a wife’s privilege and a husband’s responsibility. When I am asked to speak to groups of young, married, religiously obser- vant women in my capacity as a sex therapist whose research has focus- ed, among other things, on optimal sexual experiences, I’m often asked: Do you believe that niddah is a bless- ing for marriage? in the same way that Masters and Johnson were able to demonstrate through their research in 1966 and 1970 that focusing on in- tercourse can sap the erotic energy from a relationship. My answer is that I have no right to answer this ques- tion. In Judaism there are some laws that are to be followed because of their inherent value for communal life or interpersonal relationships — things such as thou shalt not bear false wit- ness or thou shalt not commit murder. And there are other categories of laws that are not intended to be explained or followed for rational purposes, but rather as articles of faith. I never answer the question about whether or not there is some marital benefit to following chukim [Biblical laws which are traditionally under- stood to have a meaning beyond hu- man comprehension]. I do not have the right to answer that question. One is scientific and the other is a matter of religious observance. Either you do it or you don’t do it because it enrich- es your life as a practitioner of your re- ligion. A chok is not supposed to be subject to justification. There is a crossover every once in a while. If I think of the people I in- terviewed for my research on opti- mal sexual experiences, every once in a while, I’d be speaking to someone who would say, Thank G-d for Shab- bos. This is how we make the angels
“There are a lot of people, including some who consider themselves fairly learned about Judaism, who were not taught much about authentic, traditional aspects of sexuality within Judaism.”
that shows periods of abstinence can be beneficial? Isn’t it interesting what we choose to teach, and what gets left out of our teachings? Whether it’s in secular, feminist contexts (such as when I’m at a univer- sity) or when I’m speaking to a Jewish audience, I find it remarkable that ev- eryone has heard about what they in- terpret as sex-negative practices, such
as niddah, but they have somehow managed not to have learned about onah [the Biblical obligation to sexual- ly satisfy one’s wife] —which is, as far as I can tell, unique to Judaism. When I cover the history of sexu- ality in Western civilization, students are always very surprised at the no- tion that sexuality is a husband’s priv- ilege; the idea that it is a wife’s obli- gation really comes out of Christian
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