Identifying the Need for Change by Kristina Schmitt A friend and I were discussing some concerns about her daughter not wanting to see problems with her boyfriend. She and I both reflected on past relationships
where we had seen red flags but didn’t heed them. The truth is that we weren’t ready to face the challenges that we knew we’d have by making the change. One of the hardest things that a parent or a leader must do is to help someone see AND want to change, even when they’re not ready. There are many reasons why someone wouldn’t want to change, including but not limited to • A fear of the work it will take, • A fear of a loss of connection or a relationship, or • A fear of failing at the change. The one common thread is that the root is fear. Even when we like change, it still causes our bodies to experience a stress response. There is a safety in things being the same, so as a parent or a leader, creating an environment where it’s ok to be scared and it’s ok to take risks, is one of the most challenging but rewarding things you can do. So, how do you help someone see something that they’d rather avoid? Let’s first cover what not to do. 1. Don’t make “You should…”, “You have to…,” or “You should have” statements. These are accusatory and, instead of helping someone safely down a path of discovery, they
will go immediately into a stress response and either start defending themselves or just shut down. 2. Don’t yell. It may be extremely frustrating to watch someone walk into a situation where you can clearly see a poor outcome, but yelling puts them on the defensive. What should you do? Start by giving them feedback about a specific situation without accusing them. For example, ‘We’ve been talking about this struggle a lot lately. How are you feeling about it?’ Then help them through the fear by hypothetically going through what future steps would look like or, help them see that they want the new future more than they fear the thought of change. This will likely take several conversations, so the most important thing is that you create that space where they feel safe to confide and discuss with you. For more help in creating safe spaces for your team, contact Kristina at www.kristinaschmitt.ca.
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Hometown St. Thomas • November 2024 • Page 39
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