Vol 11. Edition 6
News from CannaTown
Page 11
Cannatown News
ACADEMICS PLAN TO DIG THROUGH 20LB ICE CREAM
Remember that 20-pound chunk of ice cream that blasted through a man’s roof last week? “Boom, this huge scoop of ice cream just came out of nowhere through our ceiling,” Ken Malman said over the weekend. “It only missed the fam- ily cat by inches.” Malman, of Mount Hasherhorn, said he was just starting to load a wake and bake bowl when
Ken Malman stands with his family outside the homestead hit by ice cream.
the giant scoop of ice cream, avored mint chip, landed on the other side of the co ee table. e incident le both him, and his cross-eyed cat, traumatized, even though both devoured an estimated third of the scoop before managing to shove the rest in a nearly-empty freezer. But, eager to know exactly who and what could produce a huge ying scoop of ice cream, Malman contacted professors at Can- natown University to pick it up for analysis. e Department of Megamunchies were able to give Dispatches a look into the research they’ve done. "Well it's really creamy mint," Dr. Phillips said, wiping bits of chocolate from his beard. "Right now it's a little contaminated with stu like insulation and this poor gentle- man's roof. But apart from that, its gooey, fudgy center was a real treat for us all.” “I’m glad we brought extra spoons,” he added. Doctor Voulter, another lead researcher, labeled the nd as a megameteorscoop , or, a very large chunk of ice cream, which, despite being almost physically impossible to occur naturally near earth’s surface, form under psychedelic atmospheric conditions in the Highlands, speci cally in the ‘tripoutsphere’,
or upper-lower atmosphere. “Maybe a dozen of these fall around the world, but we really don’t have any idea how they form,” Dr. Voulter said. “ e science isn’t just in its infancy; the fact is, most of the time, when huge 20-50 pound scoops of ice cream land anywhere, they are almost always eaten immediately as mega-munchies by the local civilians. roughout history.” “ e only similar story we’ve heard of in recent years concerns a tribe in the South Paci c who ate through a massive pile of Cookie Dough Vanilla Bean before it went bad,” Phillips recalled. But the “fairy tale” came with a warning: “ ere is no reason to try to nd these scoops--they’re completely random--or, to stop their estimated terminal velocity of 150 miles per hour.” “In this way, megameteorscoops are lethal as they are tasty,” Phillips said sternly. It is due to the rarity of nding one somewhat still intact, that has researchers all abuzz about the specimen. “I can’t wait to dig in, and get a bite of knowledge,” said Vivica Carlyle, graduate student at CU. “ e question on everybody’s mind, rst and fore- most, is whether this ice cream is as good, or better, than Häagen Dazs.” Researchers are planning a 12-week study, or "'til it runs out."
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