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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
CannaTown News
Fire-Fighters Battle Local Shwag Blaze e Cannatown re department was called to 420 Beasley St. ursday
night, to contain a small replace re gone wrong for none other than occasional contributor to Dispatches, Mr. Hugh Jollydab. e blaze was contained and put out by 5:20am, but not before destroying much of Jol- lydab’s living room.
e Highest Authority Since 2009
OTHER HEADLINES Court Votes 6-3 To Put Anthrax in National Water Supply "It doesn't taste so bad if you're drinking the Kool-Aid" pg 150 Robot reproduction spurs fears of digital Tribbles pg 157 Abraham Lincoln: " at was too many edibles" pg 166 Your card was declined pg 171 While not directly related to the ordeal, the re that engulfed the living room began when Jollydab, forgetting the demolished pieces of wall and other debris in his own replace, lit ablaze a giant re in the hearth, using a huge, fat shwag-bricks as he reeled exhausted from his cleanup e orts. It wasn’t long, before the crummy, dry cannabis lled the air with intoxicating fumes strong enough to momentarily debilitate anyone within a ve- house radius. “It sure got everyone high for a moment,” said Hig- gins, “but this just ain’t the way to do it. You know, Safety First. ” Fire Chief Higgins reported that the ordeal actually began with a plumbing issue, for which a unit was dispatched to address at around 11:30pm, just a few hours earlier, when a clog caused the tenant’s toilet to explode. “ ere wasn’t much we could do to help with that mess except console those a ected,” Higgins said. Ac- cording to the report, a heap of used bathroom towels was used to wipe up the mess in the small, 6x6 bathroom, but it was not enough to stop the ood of sewage that leaked deep into the oor- ing and began raining in the building’s converted cellar. Mr. Jollydab proceeded to place a large fan in the bathroom, in order to dry the area, then set o to clean the “man-cave” directly below. “It was there that he encountered what he believed to be a huge buzzing noise in the ceiling,” Higgins reported. Upon closer examination, Jollydab determined the source of the buzzing to be a large hornet’s nest. Unable to locate the hive, or remove the drywall, the tenant “smashed through the ceiling using a nearby hatchet,” haphazardly removing drywall, wood and insulation, until a three-foot hole to the ground oor con rmed that the hive was indeed, the “large box fan in the soiled bathroom.”
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