Confessions of a payroll manager – Ready payroll run
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful/inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. I ’ve always considered myself to be fit. Well, I walk to and from work, thirty minutes each way, and regularly dance around the kitchen to Now that’s what I call music 5 when I’m cooking. (Jigging to Johnny come home by the Fine young cannibals works up quite a sweat.) I genuinely thought that those activities, along with the cross-office chair wheeling I undertake daily, would keep me fit and healthy. Well, I was sorely mistaken. As part of his appraisal I’d tasked Tom Cumberland with organising a team building activity, my rationale being that he was the most reasonable person on the team and would therefore give us something ‘reasonable’ to do. Hindsight though, is a marvellous thing. It was just over two months ago that Tom, with great aplomb and rather shouty enthusiasm, announced he had entered the team in the local 5k charity race and had even secured senior buy-in by persuading Mr Crumbitt to not only sponsor the team but to also run himself. Now, I’m not a natural athlete (obvious prowess at jigging while cooking notwithstanding). I had hoped that maybe, with age, I would develop some kind of sporting ability. As the first training session approached I told myself that those abandoned cross- country runs in school were merely signs of adolescent rebellion and not a total lack of running skills, and that I would now be Mo-Farah-esque. However, I was somewhat less sure after I’d delved into my wardrobe for training kit and found only an old pair of leggings with baggy knees and a very unflattering ‘Powerhouse pensions – powerful payments with panache’ promotional t-shirt from 1992. The ensemble showed a bit too much ‘natural
padding’ – that’s too many Crumbitt’s Crinkles, Penny – but off I went to train with the rest of the team.
intermixed with advice about blisters, gel packs and the use of multiple plasters to minimise chafing risks. Truth be told, even I was getting into it all. On race day we met up with Mr Crumbitt and his bellowing personal trainer, Bernadette Gripehouse, and collected our team t-shirts. Each shirt had a different Crumbitt’s confection on the front with a transfer of a grinning Mr Crumbitt on the back, with ‘Go Team Cookie’ emblazoned across the bottom. Classy! The race felt very much like a payroll cycle. At the start you wonder if it will end; there are times in the middle when you want to give up, but at the end there is a huge sense of satisfaction – and fundamentally what gets you through it all are those around you. I lagged behind the rest of the team the whole way, but they took it in turns to accompany and encourage me. And, when I turned the final corner, the entire team was waiting so we could cross the line together. We all joined hands – along with Mr Crumbitt and a completely non-sweating Ms Gripehouse (doesn’t she have pores?!) – and over we went to rapturous applause from the rest of the Crumbitt’s family. Yay! A week on and my body is starting to feel more like my own again; but, I must confess, I don’t think I’ll be running again in the near future. Still, we made £867.40 for charity and I appreciate my team more than ever. Just when you think you can’t finish something, others come along and help you to do it – which happens all the time in payroll just as it does in everyday life. Most importantly, we’ve remembered that we work best when we respect and support each other, and it’s been good to have a reason to take a step back and appreciate each other more. As Mr Crumbitt would say, “Go Team Cookie!” o The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
...And so it was that my now legendary neon running gear was purchased and the eyes of my colleagues
After a singularly tortuous session – which saw Jace chatting away barely breaking a sweat, Evie glowing prettily and Tom looking like an even fitter Roger Black – I decided to invest in some clothing that would distract from my beetroot-red and sweat-drenched face. And so it was that my now legendary neon running gear was purchased and the eyes of my colleagues became thankfully and permanently ‘squinty’ in my presence. The day after that initial session was supposed to be one of our payroll roadshow days. Three of us, including me, were due to go into the factory to be more accessible to employees and break down the walls between departments. I’m ashamed to say that, as I was walking around like a saddle- sore cowboy all day, we decided to replace our usual ‘reach out’ approach with a ‘please, come to us’ appeal for one week only. As the training continued over the following weeks it became clear that, just like in the office, some of us were natural front runners, some were happy at the back, some supported others and, importantly, all of them helped me. Talk of auto-enrolment and Alabaster maternity pay rules was became thankfully and permanently ‘squinty’ in my presence....
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | October 2018 | Issue 44 58
Made with FlippingBook - Online magazine maker