In my ambition to become love like God Himself and to love like Him, I was on what I thought was the most necessary quest any human could embark on. As a young school girl growing up, I rarely saw or felt loved. On one such occasion I vividly recall, as I went to Sunday School by myself while the rest of the family stayed in bed, there was a special service so we were in the adult service. And I don’t know how I found myself with the honor, at approximately six years of age, invited to sit by the Pastor’s wife. But I remember she seemed like a woman of stature, and she had the fullest, longest and most loving arms that she wrapped around me. I found myself sinking into a soft, safe and secure space as I fell asleep on the church pew in her embrace. What a sweet love defined as well as a precious memory. One of the few memories that I actually can recall, since I don’t have many memories, the result of chronic childhood trauma. Since a small child, I would devour any literature I found on Psychology and Science. I read somewhere how important hugs were to the well being of us as individuals. Since I didn’t experience hugs or loving words, I made an inner vow that I was going to be a hugger and always tell everyone I met something lovely about themselves. As a child, somehow I had this knowing that what the world really needed was to be loved. And what better way to express love than to hug the whole world one person at a time! So my quest to fill the world with love and tangible love in the form of a hug became a quiet obsession. I grew up greatly influenced by Cinderella and how life was supposed to be. I could not wait to marry my handsome prince. Only to marry someone though they were a fairly new Christian but they were not the affectionate type. Nor were they a hugging or kissing kind of person. Nor were they a talking kind of person, one who shared feelings, thoughts, dreams and hopes. And they were not a listening type of person either. Similar to how I grew up with emotional abandonment, unfortunately history was repeating itself for me. Many years later I would come to realize that I was merely an accessory to fit their persona. I was a commodity. A thing. A possession. A piece of property. I was an extension to their formulated identity. And over time I would lose my opinions, my dreams, any contradicting ideology, and become a Stepford Wife. We had the perfect pseudomutuality, a relationship that had a superficial appearance of mutual openness and understanding although in fact the relationship was rigid, shallow and hollow and depersonalizing. Later this was utterly devastating when faced with the reality that I had been living and participating in someone’s falsehood. In the process, my identity and personality DNA was stolen. And in reality for them, I did not exist and in attempting to, would result in more grooming and stripping of my individualism. In any attempt to “exist” would be met with punishment to reinforce, I was to be nothing. And this fit perfectly with the Scriptures that I researched regularly along the lines of being, “A living sacrifice”, and “Dying to oneself”. You don’t have to annihilate someone who willingly lies down and simply and slowly just disappears.
Proverbs 4:23
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.
When we share with a person who really doesn't authentically care about us, we are throwing precious pearls before swine when we share pieces of ourselves in transparency and truth. To share such priceless treasures with someone who is not trustworthy is extremely risky! They can exploit you much like what King David experienced, "They pretend they care, but they are only gathering information to gossip, slander and lie about me." With a toxic person, everything you share not only can be used against you, but very well will be used against you. It could be the simplest thing as when you tell them, "I love when I get beautiful cards from you. They say so much and since you are not really a word person, they mean even more to me.” And then the next occasion, you now get no card, or you receive a general type card with no special meaning or beautiful loving words in it. This is pretty minor, compared to even more of the hurtful things they can contrive. You never tell a toxic person what you like and what you don't like. Lest you give your pearls to someone who will stomp on them and then turn around and attack you for them. We are to guard our hearts with great caution. This has always been one of my main spiritual goals. I always saw it as a companion Scripture to, "For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks". So, I was always extremely diligent over my love life spiritually and the condition of my heart's health. Very vigilant, that I never permitted a root of bitterness to grow within my soul. But in hindsight, I see so many truths that I never heard nor contemplated from this Scripture and in the past it cost me dearly. I see more relatedly, how guarding your heart assists you in knowing who actually are the swine that you should be cautious and slow to share the pieces of your soul with. And to always be mindful, that people can change and not always for the best. Because in Proverbs 20:6 says, "Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find?" Or, "Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can find one who is truly reliable?"
January/February 2023 | 19
Made with FlippingBook - professional solution for displaying marketing and sales documents online