IT’S TIME - ZACH’S RESPONSE
This week, when I read my mom’s recounting of these events it felt like ripping open a wound that had been scarred over for 10 years. There are no words that can convey the guilt and remorse that I felt in the aftermath. To this day, I still get a wave of it that still occasionally pushes me off kilter. So, what happened? Hitting rock bottom is when you decide to stop digging . And that’s what I did. I gave up, I surrendered . In surrendering I was given a glimpse of the life that still existed outside of my misery. The echoes of support from loved ones who continued to speak even when they thought I wasn’t listening and became one of the many strands of rope with which I was pulled up. Upon reading my mother’s accounts, I’m overwhelmed once more by a Jekyll and Hyde recollection: “Oh my God, I remember bits and pieces of what I did to her, but that’s not who I am! Never in my wildest nightmares would I ever do those things!” When she writes of confronting me about stealing her mother’s jewelry, saying that it’s like she lost her mother all over again - all I remember from that moment was “I just have to wait until she’s done yelling, and then I can leave the house and continue my search- she’s just delaying the inevitable.” I became so dissociative from situations that it became second nature. “Don’t think about what they’re upset at you for, they’ll be done pleading soon and you can be on your way again”. From this monster, I became a sober man. I am a husband, a father, a brother, an uncle, a son, and a homeowner. I am an RN and find amazing rewards in filling my soul with the work I do for my patients and others who suffer from addiction. My mother calls me her miracle son. My mother is always right ( she made me write that). Recovery gave me my soul back, I still don’t have control over the steering wheel but now it’s not a fight to get it back, it’s a choice. Whoever or whatever is driving today does so with power and grace greater than human comprehension. I realized that I have no more control over my life than I would if I tried to stop the tide from coming in or the wind from blowing. That guiding force has been harnessed and I am now simply only responsible for my own actions. Of all the above-mentioned titles that I have today, the most important one (that I convey in the AA rooms) is “alcoholic” (covering the whole spectrum of other substances). It’s who I am; yet it does not define me. Understanding that is who I am is what gives me the daily reprieve to be the best version of myself each day. To love and help others with compassion, empathy, care, and understanding is what keeps me grounded and helps me see today that I am indeed worthy of life (as my wonderful Mom stated).
ZACH’S STORY
HOLA SOBER | MADRID
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