YOU DON’T SEE UNTIL YOU SEE
by Bernadette M.
This spoke to me, this is what alcohol did to me in the end, it got a grip. I thought I was smart. I thought I was intelligent! No one told me this could happen?! The song went on and almost every line made me feel like Olivia had written this for me and was singing this to me, at me. I played it a few times that day and it was having a positive effect, a therapeutic release almost with its compounding rhythm. I danced around the kitchen with my kids to this many times since that first experience. I play the un-explicit version with them after learning the hard way!!! A song had never quite done this to me before and I know I’ll forever remember that first listen in the lashing rain on a random Wednesday. I had no idea that I was living the life I was until I removed alcohol and found my way back to my real and true self. I really, truly had no idea what was happening to me. I was living in a haze of all things alcohol. Bubbles at the weekend, red wine by the fire, beers and burgers, wine with steak, wine and beers, bubbles and red, any excuse, any occasion, drink…drink… drink. The muted, tired, exhausted version of me left behind after a weekend of drinking wanted to hide in the corner and cower away from the world. As a mother, a daughter of elderly parents, and a professional in full-time employment, hiding wasn’t an option, ever! So, I would put on my makeup, my blazer, perfume, and shades and curate a version of myself to present to others. Smile, stand tall, hyper-aware of the world around me. Never relaxed. Sure I needed a glass or two (bottle) to relax. Alcohol had a grip and the only way I knew to turn down the sound of my swirling thoughts and tormented mind was to drink. Morning journal entries on a Saturday looked something like this; “I am done. I feel horrific. I have no energy and I was so hungover in the park. Never again. I am not drinking tonight”. I would drink again giving in by 5 pm. The following morning my tormented
I couldn’t see it until I saw it, all that alcohol took from me. I haven’t even truly considered the cost and effects over the younger years of my life but towards the end, it was starting to really ravage who I am and who I wanted to be. I was driving my car in the lashing rain in July this year with my wipers on full-speed when I heard the lyrics of a song on the radio that struck something deep inside me. I immediately decided to turn up the volume and blast it out. Olivia Rodrigo sang the words; “Bloodsucker, dream crusher, bleedin’ me dry like a goddamn vampire”. This song at this moment, in this car, in this torrential rain, a kilometer from my house, moved me so deeply and intensely that I almost pulled over my car. A beautiful melody and voice engulfed my ears. he words encapsulated what alcohol had done to me in a vivid and real way. She sings of a toxic ex in a way that made me see what I couldn’t see until I saw it. Alcohol took so much from me. My energy. My zest for life. My drive. My ambition. My resilience. My joy. It stole me from myself. “I used to think I was smart, but you've made me look so naïve, The way you sold me for parts as you sunk your teeth into me”.
HOLA SOBER | MADRID
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