.mind was in full swing within seconds of my eyes opening. Seconds into my day I would be full to my brim with shame and guilt and self- deprecation. I barely looked in the mirror only to apply makeup and curate – I had no idea who I even was anymore. A haze of life with the lights firmly dimmed. It’s quite interesting how being the “life and soul of the party” can morph into something so dull, lifeless, and dim. Dealing with little things seemed so hard, never mind the big things. The big things required more numbing and so the cycle continued. “Bloodsucker, dream crusher, bleedin’ me dry like a goddamn vampire”. I couldn’t see it until I saw it, all that alcohol took from me. As I sit here and reminisce about how this substance burgled my life and robbed my soul, I do so from a place that couldn’t be different. At just 7 months alcohol-free I have reclaimed EVERYTHING alcohol took from me and gained so much more than I ever had before. I never thought that I could do it and actually remove the desire to drink but I have. Through joining Hola Sober, completing the Pledge program (and the redo), and committing to not drinking, I slowly grew in strength and self- belief. Placing small bricks in front of me on this path as I travel has allowed me to move forward brick by brick. I have become empowered, confident, authentic, and connected, and have never felt as true to myself as I do now. I no longer carry the baggage that is unarticulated pain. The story of my life was keeping that pain down, swallowing it down, drowning it out, drinking it down, never speaking it out, curating, pretending, lying, drinking. All of a sudden, I found myself in rooms with zoom squared women articulating their pain and agony. Real, raw, truthful, and powerful. Wait a minute - It’s not just me? Addicted to an addictive substance? Wait…there’s nothing actually wrong with me? I’m not genetically fucked up as I grew up with an alcohol-addicted Dad? I am not on my own? I am not alone anymore? It was so lonely, heart- achingly lonely in the darkness of that tormented mind. Keep that pain down, swallow it down, drown it out, drink it down, never speak it out, curate, pretend, lie, drink. I don’t have to do that anymore? There is another way?
Listen to the Zoom squared women. Learn from them. Take it all in and make a pledge to do right by yourself for once - make it daily. Affirmations and therapy – you CAN do it. Day-by-day and brick-by-brick I built myself up. I shared my truth, I cried ugly tears and I clung on with my fingernails when I had to as I told myself
NO MORE! YOU DESERVE BETTER .
Yes you, that girl in the mirror who’s been in a haze for quite a while. YOU CAN do this. I could do it and I did it. Once I believed in myself and valued myself enough to no longer choose to numb but to feel it all. Sit with it they said. Feel the hard emotions and it’ll get easier they said.
They told the truth.
All of it was true and I listened. I trusted them, I trusted the process and I believed that I could get to that pink cloud. I got here and I found the pink cloud and my whole life has changed for the better. I couldn’t see it until I saw it - for myself. The only way to see it was to stop drinking long enough for the magic to happen. I often ponder where would I be if I hadn’t found these remarkable, powerful women who paved the way and told me that I would get there. I couldn’t see it until they showed me the way – then I saw it.
HOLA SOBER | MADRID
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