Confessions of a payroll manager – Boa viagem, Penelope!
Another anonymous episode revealing the world of payroll featuring payroll avatar, Penelope Fortham (‘Penny’), who is payroll manager at the nation’s favourite biscuit makers Crumbitt’s Confections. Y ou know how you get stuck in a rut sometimes? There’s nothing particularly wrong with how things are, but then there’s nothing particularly right either. I’d been feeling like that a lot recently, seeing Jace and Billie with baby Albert (who really isn’t a baby anymore), watching the burgeoning relationship between Evie and Towering Tony (I hadn’t seen that coming either) and then, the other night, realising I’d watched the same episode of Ice-Road Truckers five times. What was I doing? Well, maybe the universe had heard my silent plea (or maybe Mr Crumbitt had picked up on my little rant behind the ‘cherry putter-on machine’ not too long ago). Either way, last week I was ‘summoned’ to meet Mr Crumbitt in a rarely used part of the factory – in fact, so rarely used there wasn’t a single tea bag in the tea caddy and the kettle was fusty. It was as if this cramped office wasn’t in Yorkshire at all. I started to feel even more anxious when Mr Crumbitt put on his I’ve-got- something-very-serious-to-tell-you face and steepled his fingers to his chin. I’d only ever seen him do that once before when considering sacking Augusta Tremelo for lying about her name. Oh dear!? “Now then Penny, you and I go a long way back…” – oh, this is going to be bad – “and it’s come to my attention that you’re not really very happy at the moment…” – so he did hear my rant
by the cherries – “and I’ve decided…” – blood rushed to my head and the room started spinning – “that I’d like to offer you a new role in our newly acquired Portuguese factory.” What?! You’d like me to what? PortuGUESE as in PortuGAL? As my thoughts tried to organise themselves into something approaching coherence, Mr Crumbitt explained how Crumbitts had taken over our rival firm based in Portugal and that he (and the rest of the board) wanted me to head up the project team to merge the payrolls into the UK operations. As Mr Crumbitt paged for ‘emergency Crumbitt Crinkles’ (the only way to get flabberghasted employees back on track apparently) he reeled off all these, frankly lovely, things he admired about me: great leader, fantastic communicator – “I mean, obviously not now with your stuttering and spluttering, but normally you’re very eloquent” – always gets the job done and, best of all, loved by my team. So, there I was, stuttering, spluttering and snivelling, too. I now realised why Mr Crumbitt had brought me over to this office: no-one needs to see a snot-faced, puffy-eyed payroll manager when they’re about to go on their lunch break. That afternoon (face cleaned, and a belly full of Crumbitt’s Crinkles) Mr Crumbitt explained the role more fully. I would be senior payroll projects manager and spending a lot of time overseas bringing the two operations together on to the one system. There was no-one else in the running for the role because – and I quote: “Nobody knows the system better than you Penny”. (Well, of course they wouldn’t as I implemented the temperamental thing.) I had some big decisions to make that
night; thankfully, Mr Crumbitt gave me 24 hours to think it over. Yes, I’d been feeling ‘in a rut’ recently, but was I really ready for such a big change – not just in my job but in my life? I can’t even speak Portuguese (and singing along to my Best of Bossa Nova CD isn’t going to help). Most gut- wrenching of all was that it would mean stepping away from the current payroll team for at least a year – a whole year! Who knew what mischief they could get up to in twelve months. But then, the role would carry a significant reward package and a bonus upon successful completion. I didn’t sleep that night (even watching that episode again didn’t work). How would the team cope? Would I really be able to get by with no Portuguese? What if I got travel sick? What if? Well, what if I didn’t do it? When I’m sat at home alone and I’m feeling wretched, to where would my thoughts go if I didn’t do it? And that’s what clinched it (well, that and knowing that Toblerones on duty free are an absolute steal). No regrets, Penny – take every opportunity. Mr Crumbitt called to see me even before the first tea of the day had been drunk and was thrilled, and rather tearful, when I told him I wanted to accept the role. So, this will be my last ‘Confessions’ for a while. I’ve got a whole new adventure to sink my teeth into (and a suitcase full of decent teabags to pack). I’ll miss the team, but they have my direct mobile number just in case...and we could have a weekly Facetime, and a monthly catch up. Tchau! o The Editor: I shall miss Penny’s Confessions, as they always brighten my day. It is to be hoped Penny will return in twelve months, with further confessions.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | November 2019 | Issue 55 48
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