Contd . by Beth MT
Baby number two came along, and I was relieved. I hoped our break would last forever, but alas it wasn’t to be. I began to need you more than ever. Pregnancy had left me disabled, in a wheelchair, and in constant pain. My marriage was awful, and I was depressed, massively depressed. You were there for every bump, every happy event, everything. Remember the fall and the black eye at the christening? Oh, how everyone laughed, but inside I died, I still cry about that. You were with me for years, during my horrific divorce when my ex used you to torment me, sending me emails about what I had done when you and I were together but exaggerating how bad it was as he knew I hated it, he didn’t really care but you gave him that power to do that to me, you gave him that power! I was so ashamed that I accepted it and let those emails beat me. In the years that followed, the birth of my third child and the isolation, outside pressure, ongoing divorce proceedings you were my solace, my secret, my friend. Until you weren’t anymore. I started to hate you, really hate you but I couldn’t stop seeing you. I would try and it would last for months, then off I would go again, and we would be back to square one. I actually managed to stop seeing you for around sixty days a couple of years ago, I was doing wel l. Then a boy who we had been close to since he was a baby took his own life. We were all devastated, I should have been helping my children, but I decided that it was a good idea to meet with you again. But you were angry that we had been apart, and you punished me that night. After we had left the pub, I collapsed. I ended up in hospital having a brain scan. I had made a complete mess of myself. I spent days concussed and praised the lord that I was alive. I spent weeks paranoid about what I had done or said that night and what could have been the outcome. It was then decided that I would never see you again and I didn’t for ten months. I was free and I was happy at last. My life was good, my (new) husband and family were amazing, I was working somewhere that assumed I had never drunk, and you were gone forever.
IThen I went and invited you back. It was my birthday. I was happy, so I invited you back just for old times sake. But you stayed, you stayed for two years. Oh I managed to escape you for a few months here and there, but you were back, and you were back with a vengeance. Lockdown pleased you, we could be together, and we could be together so much more than ever before. The kids started noticing you around and started hating you too. You were ruining things again and we needed you to leave. So, I decided that this time we would be over forever. I will never forget you, because I mustn’t. If I had written down every bad thing that happened in my life because of you this article would be bigger than the bible. I am happier now than I have been in years. I am doing all the things you had stopped me from doing. I am singing again, I am exercising, I am writing. I am kinder and I am tougher. I no longer fear people because I am scared that they saw me with you. I am proud of myself and my family is proud of me. My work is better, my Husband and I are happier than we have been for ages. My children see the real me, the me who can give them attention because I want to. I enjoy being with them more, because I am not waiting to be with you. I hate you; I detest you; I know some people say that they wouldn’t change the past because it moulded them into being who they are. Well, I would change the past. I wish I had never met you and I wish that I had not given you such importance in my life. I can’t change that, but I can change now, and you will NEVER be welcome in my life again, because I know without a doubt that I will have no life and this evil merry-go- round will start all over again.
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