EMMA'S DIARY
Dear Diary
And yes pissed people (me)…no longer me but the old me. It is dull as dishwater. Repetitive and nonsensical in every way. So do I want to spend my time there. No I do not. So you can see why I never sent that text as nothing about it is pleasant to hear. But as an expert in being pissed and talking shit until the cows come home feel that it needs to be said somewhere. So here is the place. I want to be in my home, in the mess and chaos, where my food is, where my slimline tonic is, where the TV is. Where I can read, observe the clean washing piling up and make endless promised to iron it and never doing so. I want to be sitting on the settee watching my children play in the safety of my own home. I want the freedom of not waking up with the anxiety, guilt and shame that follows even one bottle of wine the night before. I want to feel bored in my own space, not someone else’s. They say that you tell the truth when drunk, perhaps we are inclined to I suppose but is it really the truth? Or is a fake confidence to say things and do things that lurk in us somewhere.After all as my dad says, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. So no I’m not buying that alcohol makes us tell the truth, if this was the case all intoxicated conversations would lead to positive outcomes in the end as lets face it the truth…is important. Not the bullshit alcohol infused truths though. They are not real. My new rule when I became sober was that every decision…and I mean every including what I say…what I do…choices I make will be made from a sober place because that is where the truth is and that is where the bravery lies. Not in downing a few cocktails and finally plucking up the courage to tell your mate they pissed you off or to share some crazy crush you have on someone. If it can’t be said sober..its not the truth. In drink I probably would have sent that explanative text back to my friend but sobriety makes us think more, more about what we really feel and also how another would feel and as the saying goes, ‘don’t cast your peaks before the swine’. My sober truth today: I don’t want to come to your party as I don’t enjoy the environment or peoples company when they are drinking or drunk. I used to enjoy it because I too was drunk and nothing really mattered in that moment. I am no longer that person. I am not judging you for drinking and becoming ‘one of those’ but ultimately I cannot un-see what I have seen on the other side of the bottle and what I saw isn’t to pretty and I can no longer be around you in this way. Its not you, its me…actually it might be you…but its certainly and most definitely the wine! xx Lots of Love Emma xxx
Its not you its me…actually it might be you…
Its day 30 of sobriety and I am well in my stride. I am avoiding all the usual social situations and actually enjoying turning invitations down. Not sure what to make of that last statement however what I can tell you is that many things have lost their appeal. So many things. And I do not mean this in a bad way. A friend keeps asking me over for a party and despite being an alcohol dependant person herself and having given up in the past persists that I should come and not drink. But the truth is and I wrote several texts to her of the following nature and promptly deleted as I know it would be too personal and she would find it offensive but… the truth is I do not want to be around ‘her’, the ‘group’ of people. I do not wish to have the company of people drinking. Not because I am judging them but because it is boring and SHIT. Lets state the facts here. Pissed people do not listen. As a really good pissed person and as a therapists I have the capacity to listen, I have the capacity in the moment to be authentic, empathic and hold the space if you need me to. But and here’s the but, do I remember? Maybe vaguely.. Does the other person remember? Possibly not.So the delve into the emotional turmoil with someone whilst both drinking or drunk is I declare here and now a complete waste of both peoples times. Also I am a very intuitive person anyway, I observe peoples body language, eye contact and the actual words and tones they use. Quite often I am able to spot the nuances and incongruences that the person themselves cannot spot. Drinking allows me to observe these, but then move on in the blind chaos.Being sober I would not be able to help but feel differently and this being enhanced does not feel beneficial.
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