FINAL EDITION
News from CannaTown
Page 15
CannaTown News
SPACE CADET FINALLY COMES DOWN Aer 345 days in deep space, returns to Earth
T he long-awaited trip is over, as Space Cadet Orval J. Humphries nally landed on Saturday, aer nearly a year in space. “I’m not as happy to be home as I thought I’d be, and might get right back up in orbit soon,” he said immediately upon landing. “Still, it was a fantastic voyage that I hope all of us will take in our lifetimes.” Humphries was in high high atmosphere for a straight 345 days aer launching from Cape Cannaveral, deep in the highlands, near Cannedy Space Center. Never once in that time did he physically return to earth. It is not known whether this is a record, but it probably is. “Every monrning with the rst wake n’ bake, I totally strattled the stratosphere. On no day did I ever fall from orbit,” Humphries announced. Researchers at CASA (Can-
natown Aeronatuics and Space Administration) are determining what happened. Humphries reported to have grown two inches during the venture, a claim that even his own girlfriend describes as “highly unlikely.” e cadet emerged from his pod on Saturday, exhibiting accidentally-shaven beard patches, and stains covering his shirt. He at once wished to talk to someone at length about House of Cards. Later, in a phone call, Mayor J. Van Cannaby praised him for his probably record-break- ing acheivement. Tests will be conducted to in- vestigate all physical and men- tal changes from the mission. On a daily basis, CASA tracked data such as Humphries’ THC levels, reactions to bright lights, choice of munchies, and bowl density--the loss of which is a major concern in micro- gravity. From a scienti c angle, Humphries provides a unique advantage in that his identical twin, Clement, remained on the ground and served as a type of control. “It was the most miserable year of my life,” Clement said. “ ey had to pay me thrice as much as a doctor, and I still almost failed my part of the mission on a daily basis.” CASA also paid close atten- tion to Humphries’ speci c space diet of Blueberry, Girl Scout Cookies, Exodus Cheese, Papaya, and Bubble Gum.
CANNABIS TO RE- PLACE ALL CURRENCY Overtakes 100% transac- tions and exchanges soon e long-anticipated transition date is fast ap- proaching for all world currencies to be replaced by one mean of transac- tions: cannabis. All grams will equal 1 dol- lar, and in time, citizens will cease to think of the two as separate things. Although the major- ity of the public is still behind the reeferendum, many lament the closing of banks, and with them, their nasty waiting lines and overdra fees. Under the new law, banks will have to close, because “the money grows on trees.” is past weekend, nostalgic Cannatown citizens spent the last of their paper dollars at coee shops and soda fountains for old time’s sake. Sentiment on the street ranged from con- fusion to elation. “I’m rich,” said local nana, Mel Lowcreepa. “ en again, I’m burning through the inheritance, ha!” “Back to the green- house,” joked Terry Moore of Cannchester, his hands full of grow supplies.
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