FINAL EDITION
News from CannaTown
Page 9
CANNASCOPES : Discover Your Fortune! Aries - By the power of Greyskull, you will have the chicken Chalupa and a Double Decker Supreme, with hot sauce and a ‘Dew. Taurus - Although they didn’t have any sheep le for $20, the coupon did say while supplies last . Gemini - It isn’t me, it’s you. You and your cats. Cancer - You felt pretty bad about all the kids going to the ER, but you’ve got to admit, the home smelting kit was kickass birthday present. Leo - e winner is in: the world voted to name that voice in your head “Voicy McVoice Face.” Virgo - You can tell alot about a person by the way they walk, or in your case, crawl through the mud with handfuls of moldy cheese.
Libra - In your medicated haze, you’ll choose to spite Sisyphus and try pushing the stone downhill instead. Scorpio - It’s been an epic, brutal war, but you can nally say you’ve beaten your life- long dependency on Schwepps. Sagittarius - Your Hummer limo would be much pimpier without the Uhaul trailer. Capricorn - e bugs will attack you in tenacious, unmerciful swarms, until you realize you just covered yourself with On!, not O ! Aquarius - Only an invisible key can open an invisible wall. But that is the least of your worries in the Chamber of Dreams. Pisces - You’d re the robot butler for bringing a joint without a light, if it wasn’t for the way he choked back sobs and dropped to his knees to beg last time.
What Came to Pass News in Brief
Dr’s Con rm Long-Term Cannabis E ects Doctors have announced that despite the historical medical hearsay, only one long- term eect of cannabis has been proven to plague cadets: Ganjavitis. “As far as we know, this strange disease is likely to aect nearly 100% of known cannabis users,” said Cheef Doctor Wesley Sills. “ is is just another reminder to all cadets to brush and clean the mouthpiece of their bowls.” Pillownomics prof predicts at times ahead Norbit Stanley, Associate Professor of Pil- lownomics at CannaTown U, has forecasted rough times in the next year, in what will likely be a topsy-turvy, hot and cold mess. “It will begin in ated and uy but end at as a pancake,” he told the school alumni associa- tion. “You would be wise to stock up on uy pillowage. Nothing for decoration. ey have to be thick, durable and of course, so.” You shouldn’t have moved in It was too early. And now you have to go.
Bosom buddies nd some sorta metal thnigy, B4
Stories in Today’s Other Sections
Utterly high pâtissier accidentally makes award-winning Pâte à Choux ......................C4 Nefarious knitters nabbed a er authorities latch on to similar patterns..................... D7 Stoner scientists develop utility bill that pays itself ................................................. E9 Trenchcoat and dark glasses gave you away ............................................................... G13
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