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Dispatches from the Highlands
$4.20 Cents
CannaTown News Netakes sets new
Bros Interfere with Satchel to In uence Bowl Ocials: “Quite clear now that other Bros were involved.”
award season records Net akes has broken even more records with its direct-to-consumer programming as a new release, e 420 Percent , was so captivating that the national economy shut down for nearly 8 days. e hit show, about a post apocalypse where survivors must decide who gets the last satchel on earth, was the most binge-watched programming in the past 16 months, according to Jake “Redbeard” Nielsen. e 420 Percent has already garnished 22 award nomina- tions, including best cannamatography and sgreenplay. It makes over 100 awards for Net akes so far this year, which has also been recognized for its hits e Grown , and e White Widow Project . A Net akes user also set a chilling record recently by viewing literally all streaming content in one sitting. “He watched everything, even Vaca de mi Padre .” said Director of Content Kerrie Duvall. “ ere’s virtually nothing le. at includes literally 23 hours of e Fireplace .” Frigid temperatures hit area bong waters In another sign of Globowl warming, forecasters report that the coldest temps in history will be hitting area bongs. e public has been warned to hit it early, before the ice melts, for the ultimate dankity smoothness.
It has been con rmed that adversarial bros did indeed meddle with the satchel in order to in uence the outcome of the bowl, Canntelligence Agencies have reported. In a statement to the Bros ear- lier today, Canngress warned to be “careful,” as the act was “some pretty serious bro shit.” Agencies like the CYA, FBY, and Interbol con rmed that the bros may have even in ltrated stashes of all the Bros but were particularly selective about which bowls to mess with. “It should alarm every Bro out there,” said bowlitical analyst Marcia bunker. “ is warrants a deeper drive into the plastic
bags, jars and other technology protecting our satchels.” Whats more troublesome is that Bros packing the bowl may have been aware of the interference right away. “ e satchel seemed light, and some of the nugs had been replaced with gnarly, feathery ones,” bowl manager Harvey Belka announced in a speech to his neighbors at 23rd and Como. “We are asking all Bros who know something about these other bros, to come forward.” e reward for information has been set at a courtesy bowl, and a special task force formed to nd the perpetratrors. “ is could last for days,” Belka said.
Massive Trac Jam on C420 Pandemonium caused by person passing to right
A massive trac jam on C420 that a ected at least 100 people has now been ocially blamed on one person in the circle passing to the right. A perfect storm ensued when a camper was caught between trac going both directions, and everything backed up for miles. “It was heart-stopping!” said George Clovers, who actually witnessed the collision from 40 feet away. “Everybody could feel it coming, but then it all happened in slow motion. All we could do was cringe and shield the eyes of the weaker contituents.” A man described as awnry and distressed was seen passing
the wrong direction, ultimately causing the pileup, which measured the worst in recent memory. “It’s kind of unheard of this day in age,“ Clovers said. “No one knows who he was. But gosh, what a mess.” “It’s one of the rst things they teach you, pass to the le,” he added. Another onlooker was dev- astated. “I cried for a few min- utes,” she said, “but I nally got a hold of myself.” Trac ocials rushed onsite to tend to the long lines of people still waiting their turns. It was still dark by time things returned to normal, but by then it was late and some had to jet.
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