in a perpetual state of cognitive dis- sonance. Where our very existence is governed by two opposing ideas that are both true to us, yet stand in total contradiction to each other. 5 The ambiguity I initially felt at the idea of taking on Fearghus’ piece was underpinned by a rejection to the tempting and strong pull towards returning to that shadow. As I raged through the many reasons why this idea could prove to be retrogressive, and at best only re-traumatize me, I felt from my body, an urge, a pleading, a gentle sway to lean in, and open myself up to it. Yet another classic moment of common cognitive dissonance, where the brain and the body are in conflict. What most people are likely to notice at face value when they see me are the obvious social constructs: my race, possibly my age, (to those well-versed in queer culture), per- haps my queerness, and my inclina- tion towards dance and the artistic community in general. What many barely perceive fully are the complex- ities of not only being black, but also African, specifically Molobedu of the Balobedu tribe, a revered matriar- chal tribe from Southern Africa that is renowned for its dynasty of queens who conjure up rain. 6 My grand- mother, Queen Mokope, and after her, my cousin, Queen Makobo, are some of the queens who have ruled over the Balobedu tribe. My niece, Mosalanabo, is a queen in waiting. When she turns 21 she too, will ascend the throne and rule over our people and continue on her calling as the queen of rain, Queen Modjadji the seventh. This is my heri- tage and ancestral lineage. For me, the two identities “black” and “African” hold two different afflictions. Add on to that, just like Fearghus, I come from a complex history that is troubled and marred by colonial 5 Dr. Dr. KL Tshabalala “They are here to kill you” You- Tube, upload by Thando “Moziah” Sipuye 14 June 2018 https://youtu.be/FP3h310fu0Q 6 The Modjadji: South Africa’s Rain queen. https:// hadithi.africa/the-modjadji-south-africas-rain-queen/
Reflecting on embodying an excerpt from Fearghus Ó Conchúir’s dance work Mo Mhórchoir Féin – A Prayer. It was Fearghus’ idea to exchange dance excerpts from our existing vocabulary of works as an entry point to a lecture on “The legacies of trauma carried in our bodies”, a dialogue session we were invited to
co-facilitate for the Creative Brain Week conference. I must admit that I initially met the suggestion with much trepidation and conflicting emo- tions. The idea itself sounded tempt- ing, even though my internal compass screamed, “Obstacles and complex- ities ahead!” Even with our shared commitment to the art of physical expression, I was mindful of my own
internal battle to rectify parts of my inherent guilt, which rendered the suggestion a tall order to co-sign on, particularly at this point in my sojourn. As I fast approached the fourth decade of existence in this some- times awfully convoluted world, I had arrived at a point in my artist jour- ney where I was in search of my own truth. Which could also be translated
as dealing with a masked identity cri- sis, informed by a heavily loaded past. I grew up in what could be consid- ered a “Westernized African” setting. I attended what was termed “Model C” or “white” schools in South Africa. I learned from a very young age to accept the white gaze and Eurocen- tric standards as markers of suc- cess and propriety. It is within this
predisposition that my development as a young adult, and later, my train- ing as a classical dance student and dancer shaped and primed my identity and work. Dr. Khanyisile Litchfield Tshabalala, a Pan Africanist and an African spiri- tuality scholar, asserts that, due to our complex exposure to colonization and Islam Christianity, most Africans exist
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