3 Locations to Serve You! Edmond • OKC • Yukon Physical Therapy • Occupational Therapy • Speech Language Therapy
Don’t wait for kids to ask questions about the separation or divorce but rather initiate ongoing conversations to give children opportunities to discuss their feelings. Ask kids if they’re feeling like the divorce is their fault, as that may open discussion about those hard-to-process emotions. “Sometimes they may want to protect the parent and present that everything is OK when beneath the surface there are things that need to be addressed,” said Warfield. “Be willing to approach the child at a developmentally-appropriate level in an open and honest environment.” Modeling emotional expression When it comes to expressing those feelings, Rooms says it’s equally essential for parents to be open in how they’re feeling about the divorce. A parent sharing their sadness normalizes and validates the child’s experience and creates an environment for them to feel comfortable sharing. “I think it’s important for kids to know this is tough on parents,” said Rooms. “They learn that having emotions is OK. You are training them up to be adults who can cope and express themselves.” Early on, Williams concentrated on being strong, not wanting her kids to see her as weak or sad. Eventually her son asked how she could be happy when their family was no longer together. She realized by keeping her feelings to herself she was minimizing her children’s experiences. “I realized that in marching through this, even though my words validated his sadness, that he thought this wasn’t sad for me, too,” said Williams. “That also opened the conversation about what it means to be sad about something and still know it’s the right thing to do.” Bottling those feelings also led to misplacing anger at her ex-spouse onto her children, speaking sharply to them when unwarranted. Building mindfulness strategies and pinpointing triggers for conflict or emotions helps to separate feelings about the divorce from the child. “We do a lot of deep breathing and grounding, or bringing yourself to the present and managing internal emotional experiences without being flooded by those feelings,” said Warfield of strategies taught through Calm Waters.
While society often projects the idea that children are “better off” with parents who opt to stay married, these families, and many like them, have found contentment and peace on the other side of divorce. Heather Warfield, licensed marriage and family therapist and programs director for Calm Waters, says when separated adults co-parent well, children learn invaluable life and coping skills, like healthy communication, emotion management, the value of long-lasting relationships and kindness. “It shows them that even when hard things happen, we can move forward,” said Warfield. “Ultimately, healthy co-parenting allows them to feel like they don’t have to choose and can experience love and affection from each parent without guilt.” Announcing a separation to kids Rooms, Williams and Warfield agree that after determining separation or divorce is the right option for a couple, parents should announce it to their children together and create a safe space for sharing feelings and asking questions. Children often think they caused the separation. Small children may assume behaviors like making their beds or eating their vegetables could have prevented divorce, while older kids may believe their difficult behavior contributed to parents’ stress and the divorce. “The biggest thing for kids to know is that it’s not their fault,” said Warfield. “In their ego-centricism, children can take on the blame.” Kids need to hear what the arrangement will look like in their everyday lives and be reassured they will have a place at both parents’ homes. Providing kids structure, routine and consistency are paramount through the changes a divorce brings. A visual calendar in each home can help kids see which days they will be in which household. Though it may seem counterintuitive, keeping typical expectations for discipline and consequences reassures kids of safety and predictability. “A lot of times when children are going through hard times, adults have guilt and want to be more easy-going on rules or consequences, but kids need those more than ever,” said Warfield.
Our therapists provide fun, inventive and playful interventions that address your child's speci c needs. We o er physical therapy, occupational therapy and speech language therapy. Play • Learn • Thrive
SensationalKidsOKC.com Edmond - 14715 Bristol Park Blvd. OKC - 5701 SE 74th St. Yukon - 1445 Health Center Pkwy Call (405) 840-1686 to schedule an evaluation!
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