Finding support for parents and kids Not all emotions brought on by a divorce or separation are appropriate to share with kids, so it’s imperative parents have opportunities to care for their mental well-being with other trusted adults. Both Williams and Rooms advocate for counseling, therapy or support groups, as well as utilizing trusted family members or friends as sounding boards. “Divorce is like a physical injury,” said Rooms. “You can choose whether to treat it and allow it to heal.” When Williams was struggling to acknowledge her feelings, her support group at Calm Waters became a powerful opportunity to share in her grief and realize she wasn’t alone. The connections Williams made provided hope during dismal times and have continued outside the group. Williams also found gratitude in the relationship she has with her ex-husband, understanding in how his processing the divorce has been different from hers and resolve to move forward in co-parenting together. “Even if you can’t find common ground to continue in marriage you absolutely can spend conscious emotional energy in remembering the common ground shared in the past and ultimately parenting good human beings together,” said Williams. The Williamses attended their Calm Waters support groups at the same time, reinforcing to their kids that they could still do things as a family. Calm Waters hosts divorce support groups for the whole family, with two adult groups meeting simultaneously so ex-spouses can attend separately. Kid groups engage participants through play and high-energy experiences, which helps them process emotions. Both the adult and child groups discuss the same topics, in an age-appropriate manner, providing fodder for family conversation. “We talk about anger, sadness, worry and guilt, all of the emotions people feel when going through a divorce,” said Warfield. “Afterward, families can talk about what they learned and how they are doing with things like anger or guilt.”
ROOMS AND HUSBAND CHAD CO-PARENT WITH ROOM’S EX-WIFE AND HER NOW-HUSBAND.
Strategies for co-parenting
Rooms laughingly says he and Laura have communicated much more after their divorce than before, both about small things like kids’ activities and bigger things like consequences for behavior and introducing their new spouses. Rooms and his husband and Laura and her husband, plus both of their boys, all share a Google calendar of important events and appointments. Rooms’ and Laura’s boys learned quickly not to play one parent against the other. The parents are also committed to not sending messages to each other through the kids. Decisions about discipline and consequences are made together. If Rooms’ son receives consequences at his mom’s home, those same consequences apply when he comes to his dad’s.
But outside of discipline, Rooms says they also give each other grace in knowing their households don’t have to run the same way. “At mom’s they may not have to pick up their rooms but at our house they do; at our house they don’t have to do yard work, but at their mom’s they do,” said Rooms. “There can be different rules within the households because the parents are coming from different perspectives and have different personalities.” Rooms and Williams agree it’s most critical to never badmouth the other parent to the children, and the same goes for stepparents. They both create regular opportunities to express the strengths of the other parent to their kids.
54 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / JAN-FEB 2021
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