“Each child is half of that other parent, so when one parent talks badly about the other, sometimes the child will [internalize] that,” said Warfield. Allowing access to the child is another key piece of healthy co-parenting, whether through a phone call, video chat or open invitation to attend a child’s activity during the other parent’s scheduled time. “When they are with the other parent, they miss and worry about them,” said Warfield. “Allow an open flow of access instead of [a stance of] ‘this is my night and you can’t see them.’” Introducing a new partner Warfield advises co-parents in a healthy relationship to first discuss and come to an agreement about when and how to introduce kids to a new partner. Rooms set realistic expectations for his boys on their relationships with then-boyfriend, now husband Chad, giving them the power to decide how they felt about him for themselves. “As opposed to me telling them how to treat Chad, I told them this is someone I care about, and I hope you will, too, but I know he has to earn that trust,” explains Rooms. “You can’t force a relationship on them.” Warfield says research shows a stepparent or partner should not be the primary enforcer of discipline, with primary parents making those decisions. But stepparents should still be an ally and supporter in enforcing the decisions of the primary parents. Rooms’ and Laura’s spouses take active roles in caring for their stepsons, and now that Chad has long-since earned the boys’ trust and love, Rooms expects them to treat him with respect and consideration. “They know if they want him to do their laundry, they need to pick up their rooms,” said Rooms.
Moving forward Rooms has struggled with feeling like a failure because his first marriage ended. “I felt I had failed because I couldn’t keep my marriage together,” said Rooms. “At the end of the day, though, we both did our best and didn’t want to live the lie of a happy marriage. We didn’t want that for either of us or our kids.” Williams acknowledges she’s made mistakes along the way, and giving herself and others involved in the divorce process grace has been a challenge. “People who have difficult-to-reach expectations for themselves often have those for other people in their lives, too, so I’m practicing grace and forgiveness very intentionally,” said Williams. In the initial stages of their separation, Wil- liams’ ex-husband was unable to be around her, including at their children’s activities. Williams first chalked it up to selfishness and demanded different behavior, but she soon realized he needed time and space to process his emotions and acclimate to the new version of his family. When her kids asked where their dad was, she always provided a positive answer about his love for them. Looking back, Williams sees their proximity could have caused greater emotional harm to their kids if they witnessed hostility and anger, and she has since verbalized that she was wrong for being critical of how her ex-husband moved toward healing. While the time apart was a struggle, it made their current situation of attending kids’ activities and co-parenting together worth it. “We had to determine what was the ‘least bad’ thing for this situation, and that was us not being in the same place together,” said Williams. “Now I can appreciate that there wasn’t smoldering turbulence the kids didn’t need to experience. I learned not to make assumptions unless it was that the other person had the best intentions.” Each parent giving children permission to be part of the other parent’s life creates the opportunity for holding on to a sense of family, even though it looks different moving forward. “You put your own fears and insecurities aside for your kids and the sake of doing anything and everything to preserve a sense of family despite the marriage ending,” said Williams.
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