How you can help For those who can’t foster themselves, there are plenty of ways to support foster families. Members of the Kincaids’ church provide respite care, meals and clothing for the kids; they also help get kids to appointments and cheer them on at ball games. Most importantly, they have loved the children even when their behaviors have been unlovable. ”The biggest obstacle is humbling yourself enough to ask for help,” said Cindy. “If you’re going to do EFC, you need to have your support system in place first, people who will just notice what you need and step in.” Learn more about becoming a foster family or supporting foster families at okfosters.org. Editor’s note: This article is part of a series in partnership with Oklahoma Human Services about foster care in our state. Find the full series at metrofamilymagazine.com/ foster-care.
charm. But others continue to struggle, and they are struggles I can’t understand. You can’t love the trauma out of them; you just keep supporting them.” The Kincaids have adopted five children with plans to adopt two additional children currently in their care. Their older son, adopted at birth, has lived the decade-long fostering journey with his parents, and Cindy and David check in with him regularly to gauge his mental health and emotional capacity. “It has to be a family effort,” said Cindy. “We’ve always told him when he’s ready or if he is uncomfortable, we will stop. But he always says ‘one more kid’ because he can’t stand to see a child not wanted either. He’s made sacrifices but he’s stronger for it.” Bridging with biological families Building relationships with the biological families of the children in EFC can be more challenging because of the trauma the children have undergone. But when it’s safe to do so, preserving the relationship between child and parent can be especially vital to both parties’ healing.
“You have to have empathy because many of these kids have been so damaged and you want to blame the parent, but that’s not your place,” said Cindy. “There are often outside influences. A simple change of fate could put any of us in those situations. You have to step in, even in the most heinous of cases, with a little bit of compassion.” Cindy and David don’t attend court hearings, an intentional choice they’ve made to distance themselves from the difficult details of the cases. Cindy says that helps them remain focused on the children and allows them to be more straightforward with and supportive of their biological families as they take the court-ordered steps to reunify with their children. The Kincaids remain in lifelong relationships with about half of the kids who’ve been in their care, hosting them over weekends and providing continued support to their parents or caregivers. “If the kids can go home, that is my ultimate goal,” said Cindy. “Sometimes with EFC, family ends up not being the best option, but when you can make it work, I love seeing the kids back with their parents or grandparents.”
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METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / MAY-JUNE 2024 17
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