using their frozen embryos. At the time surrogacy was not legal in Oklahoma and Texas was a more surrogate-friendly state in regards to supportive legislation, so Stephanie researched several Texas agencies and before she knew it was receiving surrogate profiles to review. “It was the strangest thing to go through,” laughs Stephanie, equating it to online dating. When Stephanie came across Tiffany’s profile, she had a feeling she’d found their surrogate. The mom who had previously served as a surrogate had much in common with Stephanie, and upon meeting in person, Stephanie felt that though surrogates are compensated, Tiffany had a true passion for helping others. After 18 months of contractual agreements, insurance investigations, fertility treatments for Tiffany and doctor’s appointments, Tiffany gave birth to the O’Haras’ miracle twins. While the long and complicated journey was worth the end result, it was not without extensive pain and heartbreak. Stephanie employed a counselor for several years to help her cope with feelings of despair, failure, depression and isolation. She dealt with feelings of jealousy and disappointment, and then shame, when women around her became pregnant. Stephanie placed significant pressure on herself to get pregnant and yet every time she did she lived in extreme fear of losing the baby, all of which she says wreaked havoc on her marriage. Stephanie relied heavily on her faith, friends, online support groups and eventually a life coach to change her perspective from failure to feeling worthy as a woman and mom. Now Stephanie spends time talking with and encouraging other moms dealing with infertility, imploring them to hang on to hope and explore all the options science and medicine have made available. She wrote a book about her experience, Angel Wings , to spread awareness about the need for advocacy for reproductive assistance. “If you look at surrogacy laws across the nation, legislation has not caught up with technology,” said Stephanie. “House Bill 2468 just made surrogacy in Oklahoma legal in 2019, allowing courts to approve surrogacy contracts. But there is so much work to be done. Whether infertile couples or single people or same-sex couples, if you wish to be a parent, you should be allowed that opportunity.” In addition to the need for legislation for assisted reproductive technology, Stephanie hopes to lobby for insurance companies to pay for fertility treatments and surrogacy in Oklahoma. She also wants to bring to light the very real and often misunderstood plight surrounding secondary infertility. “People around me would say ‘sorry you had a miscarriage but at least you have Aidan,’” said Stephanie. “I was deeply grateful for Aidan but that did not make my desire for more kids any less valid. We often find ourselves unable to talk about secondary infertility because we’re supposed to just be thankful for the child we have.” Stephanie and surrogate Tiffany remain close friends, and together they started a nonprofit for those struggling with miscarriage, infertility and difficult pregnancies. A portion of her book proceeds supports the organization, and she and her husband have also raised funds to provide five $5,000 scholarships to families or individuals who need financial assistance to bring their dreams of a family to fruition. “There are so many paths to parenthood and we need to support the infertile in every way,” said Stephanie. “It’s such a taboo subject, and it’s been that way for far too long.”
STEPHANIE O’HARA
Understanding secondary infertility
Stephanie and Dirk O’Hara always dreamed of having a big family. Almost 13 years ago Stephanie joyfully gave birth to their son Aidan but not long after began her nearly 6-year battle with secondary infertility. The inability to become pregnant or carry a pregnancy after previously delivering a child affects approximately 3 million women in the United States, according to The University of Wisconsin Madison School of Medicine and Public Health. Stephanie traveled to the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine to undergo IVF treatments, and it was after her seventh miscarriage that she was stopped in her tracks while watching her young son jumping in puddles on a rainy day. “I had put my body through so much, each pregnancy getting more and more dangerous, and I was already a mommy to Aidan, so I knew I needed to hang up the dream of ever being pregnant again,” said Stephanie. “But my husband and I have found through the years to look for loopholes.” Stephanie’s best friend offered to become their gestational carrier with their frozen embryos. “We had never thought about that option,” said Stephanie. “It wasn’t our plan B or even plan F.” Their friend traveled to the center in Colorado and for months took fertility medicines, but her body did not progress as doctors had hoped. That experience became a stepping stone, though, broadening the O’Haras’ perspective to what alternatives were available. They decided to explore hiring a gestational carrier, or surrogate,
26 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / JUNE 2021
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