Jan and Mark Hilderbrand have always had a house full of kids. Their own children, their kids’ friends, neighbor kids and children from their youth ministry filled their home with love and laughter for many years. When their children reached adulthood and moved out, their nest stayed empty for two years until they felt the call to become foster parents. In March 2021, after several months of training, Jan and Mark opened their home to children in foster care. Since then, they’ve welcomed 32 kids into their home, ranging from 18 months old to teenagers. While their journey hasn’t always been easy, their unconditional love for the children in their care, as well as for the kids’ biological families, and their joy in helping kids heal have been constant. “We want to provide a safe place where they feel secure and loved,” said Mark. The truth about teens Mark notes that many families are only interested in fostering babies, but because the Hilderbrands have already raised their own children, they felt equipped to work with any age child and to take multiple children at once. They are especially adept at working with teens, an age group that can be hard to place. Mark says just like raising any teen can be difficult at times, fostering teens is not without challenges, often because of what they have been through. “They [think they] are grown, they think they know how the world works and they’ve been hurt so much they don’t always want to build relationships,” said Mark. “It can be hard to get them to open up.” The Hilderbrands have developed a tried-and-true process to first reassure the children in their care that they are safe and then patiently build trust. First, they communicate often how much they want the children in their home to be there. Mark recalls one teen he took for a drive to talk about how they could better communicate with each other. Mark told him repeatedly, “We really want you here,” and once the teen understood he was truly wanted, the relationship improved. Second, the Hilderbrands allow the kids limited phone time and make mealtimes and evenings phones-free so they can focus on building those relationships. “We have conversations as a family, laugh and talk about what happened that day so they get that sense of community,” said Jan. “We treat the kids like they are part of our family. Watching them open up is one of my favorite parts. Every kid should have that chance to just be a kid.” Nurturing Teens & Building Futures From an empty nest to a house full of hope: The Hilderbrands’ foster care story BY ERIN PAGE
Third, they provide consistency. The family rules and expectations around behavior don’t change and the family schedule remains as consistent as possible from day to day. “Our oldest son has ADHD and he thrived on a schedule, so that really trained us,” said Jan. “We’re on the go as a family but we still try to do pretty much the same things around bedtimes and mealtimes so the kids know what to expect.” Fourth, they embrace the philosophy that trust is built over time. Every child in their care is a unique individual who has been through varied situations, and they deal with those experiences differently. “Especially with teens, you don’t know what they’ve been through until they are willing to talk, and you have to be patient,” said Mark. “Showing love will open the door so you can work through [their past trauma].” Finally, they always keep their promises. “If we use the words ‘I promise,’ that means we’ll run through a flood to be there,” said Jan. While the idea of fostering teens may seem overwhelming to some, Jan and Mark have found much joy in giving older kids the chance to enjoy life’s simple pleasures, like laughter over a game of Uno, while also helping them overcome the trauma they’ve been through and look toward their futures. “They realize that everything isn’t negative, and they get a glimpse of what their life could be like,” said Jan. “They have hope.”
14 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / MAR-APR 2024
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