I know there are so many more tips in your book but do you have one more idea you think is key that really helped you and Rosy? We’ve kind of come to think that children need special activities — especially evenings and weekends. What that has done has separated the child world from the adult world. This has had huge effects on children. One morning, one evening, one weekend, don’t plan anything for the child; just go about your life, making breakfast, doing chores, running errands, and have the child be with you. And then give the child one or two very simple things to do with you. ‘Hey, come stir this pancake batter.’ Or, ‘Come turn on the water hose.’ Include them in your life; it will strengthen your relationship with them. It’ll teach them to cooperate with you and how to be in the adult world. If they misbehave, you can say, ‘Look, you’re in the world right now. This is a privilege. You need to be quieter.’ Including her in my regular life has made a massive difference in our relationship. Editor’s note: Dr. Michaeleen Doucleff is currently a correspondent for NPR’s Science Desk. In 2015, she was part of the team that earned a George Foster Peabody award for its coverage of the Ebola outbreak in West Africa. Prior to joining NPR, Doucleff was an editor at the journal Cell , where she wrote about the science behind pop culture. She lives with her husband and daughter in Alpine, Texas. This is a condensed and edited version of a MetroFamily interview with Doucleff. To hear the full interview, become a Modern Art of Parenting member for $19/month or $199/year with a 30-day money back guarantee. Enjoy access to 20 presentations by parenting experts like Doucleff, plus additional perks. Learn more at modernartofparenting.com.
What was amazing — and the reason why I really wrote this book and ended up traveling with Rosy when she was 3 back to the Yucatan, up to the Arctic and over into Tanzania — was every time I tried something that I learned or observed about using this approach, it worked really well. When you start using this approach, it’s like magic. The kids just kind of jump on board and start interacting with you in a way that’s less resistant with less conflict, and all of that anger, all those tantrums, start to melt away. What techniques have you incorporated from these cultures that work best with your daughter? In the book, I go over about 25 different things that parents around the world are doing. But I really want to concentrate on two major things. One is how parents interact and communicate with their children in ways that minimize conflict and maximize cooperation. And the other thing that surprised me was how much autonomy other cultures give their children. In communicating with kids, there are a couple things to pay special attention to. For one, parents in these other cultures don’t argue with kids. I’ve stopped arguing with Rosy, and it has made all the difference. When an argument begins, I place my hand on Rosy’s shoulder gently and say, ‘I’m not going to argue with you.’ And then I walk away. Another important technique I learned was how to tell stories rather than use logic when trying to get your young child to do something. Sometimes these stories seemed rather scary, and that worried me at first, but then I realized the point isn’t to frighten the child but rather communicate what is important and serious. All the stories are told with a wink of the eye, and you can tailor it so the story doesn’t scare the child but rather teaches them. Plus, kids love to be a little frightened. Just think about how much Disney movies use scary stories. For little kids, these stories turn a stressful or conflictual moment into a fun one. For instance, when Rosy would keep the refrigerator door open, I used to try logic and talk about how she was wasting energy and the food was going to spoil. Obviously, that wasn’t understandable to her, but when I said there was a monster in there and if he warmed up, he’d get really big and come and get her, she immediately slammed the door and asked me to tell her more about this monster. It is an amazing tool and we use it for all sorts of conflict situations, like coming up with stories about bedtime and putting on shoes to go outside. Rosy loves all these stories and asks for more. When talking about autonomy, I realized that in comparison to the parents I was observing in the Yucatan, Tanzania and the Arctic, I was talking nonstop with Rosy. In fact, I recorded myself and it turns out I was giving verbal commands or cues at the rate of about 100 per hour! This might have been praise statements or ‘do this/ don’t do this’ words. On average, a Tanzanian parent might give three an hour compared to my 100. Words are stimulating and often they just stir up conflict with kids. I’ve learned that it’s good to be more silent with Rosy, to let her step back and watch. Then she can learn by doing, but I’m there if she needs help. Our lives are so much more calm because of it.
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