Fathering through foster care Brett and Heath Holt Hayes have always wanted a family but couldn’t agree about when, or how, to have to children. Early in their relationship, the two cared for Heath’s nephew and sister fleeing domestic violence, keeping the 5-year-old out of the foster care system and helping raise him until the two were back on their feet. That was their first taste of fatherhood as a couple, but it wasn’t until a few years later that they began to explore their options in earnest. They initially considered surrogacy and private adoption but kept being drawn back to foster care. With Brett’s background as a child welfare specialist and now director of behavioral health integration for the Oklahoma Depart- ment of Human Services, and Heath’s as senior director of communications and strate- gic engagement for the Oklahoma Depart- ment of Mental Health and Substance Abuse, caring for vulnerable populations is a family priority and lifelong value for them both. “How could we go any other route when we know there are so many kids who need love and support, and we’re asking so much of others who are serving as foster parents?” said Heath. “We decided to become foster parents as an entryway into fatherhood.” Heath and Brett were intent upon bridging with a biological family with the ultimate goal of the child reuniting with that family, seeing themselves as the “cool uncles” who could remain in various families’ lives to support and care for them throughout their parenthood journeys. “A lot of people say, ‘I don’t know how you do it’ because your heart is broken when you give them back,” said Heath. “You have to think of it as an opportunity to change the trajectory of another person’s life. That is always worth it, and you can help a lot more people that way.” The dads fostered through the Choctaw Nation. Brett is a tribal member and while he wasn’t raised traditionally Native, the couple were compelled to give back to a tribe that has supported them in various ways. In addition to their required training hours to become foster parents, they were grateful for the opportunity to complete an additional 10 hours in tribal knowledge, getting to attend healing circles and learn about tribal traditions. “In Brett’s experience, there is a lack of tribal foster homes, and we saw this as our contribution to the recruitment of tribal homes,” said Heath. While the two carefully prepared for their
foster care journey, not much of it went according to plan. Heath and Brett initially received a placement call for twins. They had agreed to foster a maximum of two children but were also asked to provide temporary respite care for the twins’ baby brother. The baby ended up staying when his other foster placement fell through and Brett voiced the compelling research about the benefits for siblings who stay together in foster care. Heath says the dads tried to achieve the gold standard in bridging, inviting the kids’ mom to come to their home to help with dinner and bedtime and remain a regular fixture in their lives. “It was magical for awhile, but addiction is a beast and she wasn’t ready,” remembers Heath. “I was so certain that if anyone could help her it would be me, given my career, but it’s not about me, it’s about her and her readiness to engage in services. It just wasn’t the right time.” The case eventually moved to default termination for the mom, and Heath and Brett began to move toward unexpected, but incredibly welcome, adoption of their first set of foster children. While the twins’ father was unknown, the baby’s father was in prison and wanted to fight the adoption process. In quite an unconventional move, Brett and Heath requested a meeting with the dad so the toddler could see him and they could talk face-to-face. “He hugged his child, acknowledged we were doing a great job and said he wouldn’t fight the adoption,” said Heath. “He asked if we could send photos once in awhile.” The dads are very intentional about staying connected with all three of their kids’ immediate and extended families, sharing photos through social media, FaceTiming with an older brother in Texas and inviting an uncle for the holidays. While their home is closed for foster children now, Heath and Brett have ramped up efforts in recruiting friends to become foster parents. And their three beautiful kids, with whom they share an even deeper connection through shared Choctaw heritage, are flourishing. The dads are in the throes of potty training their 3-year-old and navigating school during a pandemic with their 5-year- old twins. Though the Hayes’ journey to fatherhood wasn’t what they would have predicted, Heath knows it unfolded exactly as it was supposed to. “I 100 percent feel they are my own kids; they are the family we choose,” said Heath. “And there are so many kids out there waiting to be chosen, waiting to be part of someone’s family.”
31,
2021
July
10
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2
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And Available on -
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Join us at Oklahoma City’s premier fun event and connect with your community, learning about a variety of businesses that serve local families! In addition, your family will enjoy local performances plus fun simple science experiments, art tutorials, tons of giveaway prizes and more!
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