Choosing single motherhood
Kay’s dreams of becoming a mom were solidified when her pregnancy was confirmed and fully came to fruition when her son Rex was born six years ago. As she planned to become a single mom, she knew she had a supportive village surrounding her, but she has been caught off guard by how many people have invested in their lives. “I say Rex is the people’s kid because so many have invested in him, prayed for him and cared for him,” said Kay. That village became even more important as she and Rex became a foster family more than a year ago. Though Kurt offered to donate again if Kay wanted to have more biological children, she didn’t want to chance a potential high-risk pregnancy. “There are other ways to become a parent, and thanks to my village and flexible job, I knew we could be successful with foster care,” said Kay, who has cherished opportunities to develop relationships with biological parents and become a support system as her foster kids have been able to return home. Kay shares her story often, including in the classes she teaches at UCO, where she has witnessed female students in particular feel reassured that they could explore the same path when they’re ready to become moms. “There’s a stigma, but showing that women or men can support a child by ourselves and that kids can be successful from single-parent households is important and helps society evolve,” said Kay. “I feel the pressure and I have high expectations for Rex because I refuse for him to be a statistic being raised by a single Black mom. There will always be those residual things in the back of my mind, but I also know that Rex will be who he is going to be.” At the end of the day, Kay sticks to the greatest truth she’s learned in motherhood and as a foster mom: what a child needs most is to know he is loved. She and Rex experience that exponentially from family and friends, including from the donor who made her dreams of becoming a mom possible. “We see Kurt and his husband when we go to Ohio, and his parents send Rex Christmas and birthday gifts, but he has no more relationship with Rex than any of my other friends,” said Kay. “We have agreed that Rex will know Kurt was the donor when it’s appropriate.”
As college students, Kay Robinson and her friend Kurt joked that if they were single at age 30, they’d marry each other. When they hit that milestone, they knew marriage to each other wasn’t in the cards, but Kay vocalized that she wanted to have a baby and Kurt offered to be the sperm donor. Kay was intrigued by the idea but took some time to think about it. “I prayed for a husband and wanted to get married, but even more than that, I’ve wanted to be a mom my whole life,” said Kay. “At age 10, I created a babysitter’s club and made business cards out of notebook paper.” Kay decided at 35 she’d start the process to have a baby on her own. She met with a local reproductive endocrinologist and infertility specialist, who at the time was one of two doctors in Oklahoma who would perform artificial insemination by sperm other than that of a woman’s husband. Oklahoma law only provides for artificial insemination of married couples. Kay’s doctor had never performed AI with donor sperm from a friend of the mom-to-be, typically using sperm from anonymous sperm bank donors, but it just so happened one of the two banks in the country the doctor accepts donations from was located in the same town as Kurt. As required by the AI process, Kay attended several counseling sessions, and she also saved money even more intentionally than before and met with her boss to request a raise. “I didn’t make enough money to have a baby,” said Kay. “I made a spreadsheet of potential costs and my salary and asked for more responsibilities and a raise. I did good work and knew there was room [for a raise] but I was willing to leave if I had to to get financially stable.” She earned a promotion at the University of Central Oklahoma and a raise from her supportive boss. Kurt had made his donation two years previously, waiting for when Kay was ready. The two employed professionals to draw up contracts detailing their agreement, ensuring all parties were legally protected. Kay wanted Kurt listed as the father on the birth certificate, but the two agreed he would have no rights or responsibilities as a father. “We were very black and white about it,” said Kay. “It was just like if he was a surrogate. He is the donor, not the dad.”
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54 METROFAMILYMAGAZINE.COM / MAY-JUNE 2021
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