June 1925
TH E K IN G \S BUS I NE S S '
259
have been. But when I found you had Billie Bob I knew then the best th ing I could do for you and him was to stay dead. I had robbed my boy of everything and surely I could leave to him the memory of only a dead fath er, not a disgraced one. I went to your home one evening a few nights ago, I looked in your lib rary window and saw you w ith Billie Bob perched on your chair arm . I didn’t know m ortal man could suffer as I have and still live. I am passing through such aw ful m isery as few could live through, I believe. “Well Jack, how can I explain. F o r months, yes, for a year or more we had been living far beyond my salary and I was troubled about it. Then Jam es Brokaw came along; you remember him, he was a broker in New York, bu t where he is now I do no t know. I tried to find him. He asked me more th an once to let him invest any money I m ight have. Twice I asked fath e r for a thousand dollars and invested. Once I made the thousand back and doubled it, but lost it in ano th er investment. Some way th e fever of speculation grew upon me. Then came the most terrib le tem ptation th a t ever came into my life. Jam es came to me saying he had a perfectly sure th ing and I could double my money in th ree days and treble it in a week’s time. I told him I had none to spend. He left me, bu t told me to le t him know la ter if I decided to le t him invest some for me. I could not help th ink ing th a t he had th e church money in mind when he came. He knew I had it. “The church board were to meet th a t evening and Xwas to tu rn over the money to the trea su rer of the building com m ittee. W hat prompted me I cannot say, although I have gone over and over the whole th ing in my m ind again and again; bu t I w ent to th e bank and asked for th e money in five tw enty thousand dollar bills. The cashier tried to dissuade me, bu t I insisted, and w ith a little delay they gave me the money as I asked. I remember thinking I would astonish th e board. Well, when I reached home, some one had telephoned in th a t thè board could no t meet for a couple of days, as several had been unexpectedly called out of th e city. Can you see th e tem ptation a s-it came to me? You remember Jack, th a t when you came in to see me th a t evening you rem arked upon how ill I looked. Jam es Bro kaw came back th a t evening and tried again to get me to invest in a sure thing. I though t I resisted him. I asked him to w ait till morning. I cannot be sure what I said or did. You came a few m inutes afte r he left. I was sick, sin- sick, fighting th a t tem ptation to give th a t money to James and double it. I t would mean a fo rtun e to me, and who would know th e difference? At sight of you the heinous ness of the deed swept down upon me, and I resolved to take th e money to the bank next morning and leave it there, You remember Jack, you insisted upon my going a t once to bed, you took me to my room to see your orders carried out, and a t my request locked th e door of my den and brought me the key. I w ent to sleep w ith th e sheer relief of having decided to re tu rn the money the first thing in the morning. Jack, when morning came I could not find it. I searched the den through and through, and then th e awful fear obsessed me th a t perhaps I had disposed of it the n igh t before. The office door was still locked, th e key in my possession, and yet th e money could not be found. I was stunned, I was an embezzler, I, a m inister of the Gospel, else where was th e money? I th ink I nearly went insane. I don’t know yet bu t th a t I may have done th a t n igh t ju st w hat I had planned to do. I tried to call up Jam es th e next morning bu t could not get him. They told me he had left th e city for a few days. The world seemed black to me. I went to fath e r and begged him to loan me the amount. I could not tell him why, for I knew he was
much tried w ith my frequent coming to him for money. I decided th e only thing I could do was to die or to disappear. I wanted to die bu t I could not. I could not go out of life w ith th a t awful sin unforgiven on my soul. “No one could forgive me; how could I expect th a t, for no one would believe me? I tru st you will never know the agonies of my soul when I realized th a t this sin was against God, for even if I did not take th e money yet a t h ea rt and in God’s sight I am an embezzler, for I had fully intended to take th e money when you came in th a t night, if I had not already done so. i, a messenger of the GospeJ, proposed to do and perhaps did th a t horrible thing. Why Jack, I would have condemned a man most bitterly a few years ago for doing a th ing like th at. I would have felt th a t only a low lived scoundrel could have done such a thing, and I have done it. I, who was a m inister of the Gospel. Oh God! how could I have done it? And yet I know, it has taken me these two years to find out, and b itter indeed is the knowledge. I LOST MY HOLD WHEN I REFUSED TO FOLLOW GOD’S REVEALED WILL TO ME. I felt th a t call to the mission fiel,d as clearly a,s anything I ever felt in my life, and I let them all persuade me out of it, persuade me I was TOO GOOD for the mission field. W h at if they didn’t w ant me to go, God would have changed th e situa tion. He says in His Word, “The k ing ’s h ea rt is in the hand of th e Lord, as the rivers of w ater; he tu rn e th it w hitherso ever he w ill,It and “When a m an’s ways please th e Lord, he m aketh even his enemies to be a t peace w ith him .” But I deliberately went against God’s will fo r me. I knowingly took the path of least resistance, and Jack, it cut my faith. I went on for months preaching, bu t in my innerm ost being I felt shu t out from God. I knew I was wrong, b u t was too proud to tu rn around and go back and begin over again. SIN, hideous Sin, crept more and more into my life until I did th is horrible thing. My sin is again st God, and Oh! I would give the world to begin over again or to know if I can ever find peace w ith God again. Do you th ink I can? But then why ask, you can never answer me, for day afte r tomorrow I leave America fdrever. I shall never touch Billie Bob’s life again if I can help it. My boy! whom I love! No! Billie Bob, your fath e r can a t least remain dead! Jack, I w ant peace w ith God, ‘the peace th a t passeth understanding.’ I must find if th e re is forgiveness for me. I cannot live w ithout it and yet, horrible thought, I d are not die w ithout it. “You need never tell Billie Bob about me; he believes me dead, and th ere is no need of his ever knowing differently. But then, Jack, you may never, either, fo r w hat could make you th ink to look in th e old box. But it has helped to relieve my m ind to know I have confessed my aw ful SINS on paper, as well as to God. “Good-bye, Jack, I shall give no parting advice about Billie Bob. I am not fit to, and I know you will care for him and tra in him b etter th a n I. I was not fit to be his father, d ear little lad. Good-bye.” There were a few pen m arks undefinable, and again the word “ good-bye” a t the foot of the page, and th en th e one word, “W ill.” Jack Harmon read it through th ree times and pondered over it all night. He wanted a longer tim e to th ink things over, and alone, so in the morning he suggested th a t W ill iam, his adopted son, W illiam Harmon, who had been so completely cut off from his old life and family, should accept the invitation of friends and take a sight-seeing trip w ith them up into Massachusetts. In th is way he felt he would have time to th ink the situ ation over thoroughly. (Continued on page 284)
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