Confessions of a payroll manager – Congratulations!
Another episode in a series of occasional yet insightful / inciteful, anonymous and whimsical reports revealing the arcane, weird and sometimes torturous world of payroll frequented by payroll professionals. W hereas some people see pregnant ladies and think “aww, how lovely”, my payroll noggin immediately thinks of statutory maternity pay, childcare vouchers and temp cover costs. I wonder where they work, what benefits they have, and if they’ve yet had a chat with their payroll department. I once found myself holding an impromptu advice session with a young lady who was idly rubbing her baby bump in the queue at Homebase and needed encouraging to approach her line manager. It’s total instinct – I can’t help it. Over the years working in payroll, calculating maternity and paternity leave has almost become second nature. Where others scratch their heads, grit their teeth and/or reach the point of tears, I relish a maternity notification and I’m instantly ready with my go-to-quote “six weeks at ninety per cent of your average earnings and 33 weeks of SMP”. Most of the time I’ll have their pay and annual leave worked out in under five minutes – but last week I was thrown a bit of a loop. It’s inevitable sometimes to see employee numbers and not the people they represent. Maternity notifications fill my head with figures and processes and I forget there’s a person receiving my emails and letters who are probably excited/scared/happy/confused about having a baby. This week, however, I
received maternity and paternity leave applications which were very close to home. Jace and Billie have been akin to our very own Kanye and Kim for so long I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t catching them snogging in the stationery cupboard or making gooey eyes at each other. I knew they were getting serious – well, as serious as those who plan their lives around Game of Thrones , Celebrity Love Island and Pointless can be – but I had no idea they were considering children. Along with their mat/pat leave applications were two huge grins and an inability to stop giggling and hugging. Suddenly the usual quotes, the numbers, the process went out of the window, and I was as thrilled as if it they were my own family. When Jace told me the exciting news I admit to expecting something entirely different. His opening line was something to do with life-changing events and drastic physical change, and I thought of everything from a decision to run away with the circus to a breakthrough with his ongoing in-growing toenail saga. When they finally announced they were expecting I struggled to keep tea in my mouth and not spraying out of my nostrils – a feat that was not duplicated by the rest of the team as at least three had to wipe tea-dripping noses after the ‘we’re pregnant’ announcement. When the news sank in there was a huge amount of cheering, clapping and genuine excitement for the two of them. Let’s not forget we have known them since they joined us as school leavers and watched them fall in love.
As maternity rules seem to change weekly I decided to sit down with them both and go through the HMRC site to try to make things as clear as possible. Billie glazed over after two minutes and Jace started to get his I’m-pretending-to- know-what-you’re-talking-about-but-it’s- like-you’re-talking-Swahili-face on. So, I did what I always do: grabbed paper and pen and started to doodle my very best visual depiction of the process – including shared parental leave (and the possibility of grandparents leave). Arrows lead to boxes which lead to thought-bubbles and finally calculations. As Jace and Billie saw their finances worked out and the mist of confusion cleared they both re-engaged with me and the earlier smiles returned. Job done. Mr Crumbitt – with his usual sixth sense about the staff – arrived mid-afternoon with his new recipe rusk biscuits. The flavour combination – herring and apple – seemed less than appetising to most of us, but Billie wolfed them down with gusto. Maybe we’ve been missing a trick with Mr Crumbitt’s crazy confections… maybe there’s a market after all. Writing this made me think about how privileged we are in payroll to be able to help people with these massive life events. And for Jace and Billie, it’s even more special. Congratulations guys! n The Editor: Any resemblance to any payroll manager or professional alive or dead, or any payroll department or organisation whether apparently or actually portrayed in this article is simply fortuitous.
| Professional in Payroll, Pensions and Reward | May 2018 | Issue 40 52
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