Ten Fecks To Give

THE KNOWING The KNOWING for me is inescapable - I slid into the habit of drinking a glass of wine each night, than it became two glasses and before long it was a bottle. It started out as allegedly 'me time' but slipped way beyond 'me time' into the darkest corners of my mind where at times, I really had no desire to wake up tomorrow. Think about that. I had a full life, a wonderful husband, three amazing boys, a family at home in Ireland, a job, a designe r coffee machine and one good bag and yet, I sometimes hit the pillow with no desire to face tomorrow feeling defeated by a substance so socially acceptable that to give it up seemed inconceivable to me. I feared the margins of being a non drinker MORE THAN GIVING THE FECKING THING UP. How fecked up is that? Once I accepted that I now know this shite, I can NEVER unknow because I do not suffer from a disease, I am not weak or broken (at least no more than Mary down in No. 65) BUT daily drinking disempowered me in ways that nothing in life ever had. Nightly it rendered me powerless in a kitchen into stupidity and ridiculous conversations about shite that didn't matter, arguments that never needed to happen and put a black shroud over all things. How can I possibly unknow the knowing? Why would I possibly go back to that emptiness and disconnection? I live in freedom from the beast that is alcohol and take care of myself and this fabulous sober freedom with connection + ritual within the KNOWING. This keeps me safe from our old friend that fecking bitch Moderation Marcus and her best friend Inner Critic and if I am not taking care of myself, I will end up with the Holy Trinity of feckers - the BIGGEST fecker Just ONE. This fecking trinity of Moderation Marcus, Inner Critic and Just ONE is the end of many a fabulous woman's life as the grim reaper is usually not fecking far behind........... My knowing is I will never unknow.

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