Our Story- Becoming A Family
That, in a way, is what makes it a rollercoaster ride for any couple who embark on this journey
Did you ever consider adoption or was surrogacy always your first choice? We considered adoption but the process looked almost impossible .We have heard of couples waiting many many years so we decided to go down the surrogacy route. I was getting dangerously close to 40 at the time, so that influenced our decision too. Tell us a bit more about your surrogacy journey. How has it been for you? Overall, we have been extremely fortunate with our journey and don’t take that for granted at all. The people and professionals we have come across have all been just the warmest and wonderful people and we are extremely grateful to all of them. That, in a way, is what makes it a rollercoaster ride for any couple who embark on this journey as you are entirely at the mercy of others to help you create a family and with each new person you meet along the way you just have to trust them and also hope they do not take advantage of your situation. What has been your biggest challenge to date and how did you overcome these challenges? Covid certainly didn’t help us and delayed us for some time. We could have put everything on ice and waited, but we decided to power through and keep going and, with the wonderful support of our work and our managers, we didn’t waste much time in the end. The rollercoaster is real and the smallest milestone passed was celebrated - but the lows were in there too so we had a tight support network around us both and they were unwavering in their support for us. We considered adoption but - the process looked almost impossible
How did you choose your surrogate? Well, it was our surrogate that chose us actually. We registered with an agency that matches Intended Parents (IPs) and surrogates. We completed a short profile of who we are, submitted some photos, and then the surrogate picked us from a list of other IPs. Our first introductions were online, of course, and although we were all nervous, we hit it off right away. Our chats would last for hours sometimes! After a few months of getting to know each other, we finally met up. It was actually on the day of implantation and so meeting them in person was a big relief as they were exactly the same online as in person; genuine and lovely people. We are still in regular contact with them too which is lovely as they are great parents themselves and we get lots of advice! Do you both have full legal custody over Noa? No, not yet, our legal process in Ireland is still in progress. It has been delayed a little as they have been dealing with very serious and urgent cases of IPs who did surrogacy in the Ukraine. There are currently no laws governing surrogacy in Ireland - are you aware of the proposed government legislation and do you feel that this adequate for same sex couples? Yes, we are following this very closely. The Artificial Human Reproduction Bill is going through the Oireachtas at the moment and the committee that is investigating the inclusion of International Surrogacy is still in progress. In early July, we will be watching their recommendations carefully as it will be passed onto the HSE and the Minister for Health, Stephen Donnelly, for consideration. It will represent a fantastic opportunity for Mr. Donnelly to showcase Ireland as the first European country to legislate for surrogacy. Even our close neighbours across the Irish Sea will be looking at us with envy. I understand that it will be complex, but if Mr. Donnelly can grasp the nettle and put safeguards in place for a generation of Irish children, who are currently very vulnerable, he will have finally completed where many successive governments have failed. Have you been able to take any sort of parental /paternity leave with your employers? As it stands we are not entitled to any State supported parental /paternity leave. Our surrogate, as the legal ‘mother’ on the birth certificate is entitled to 26 weeks, whilst the biological dad here in Ireland is able to get just 2 weeks paid and one 1 unpaid. However, my employer GSK, has been extremely supportive and I have been able to take extended leave to look after our little girl until she is ready to go to creche.
Was there any government or private assistance available to you abroad or in Ireland regarding government or private assistance systems? If you sought advice or assistance, how did you find it? No, gay male couples can not avail of surrogacy in Irish fertility clinics, so going abroad is our only option at present. We would love to be able to do everything here, so hopefully in the future, when this government has a comprehensive AHR bill (!), that will be a possibility. We sought advice from Annette Hickey (PKHL Solicitors) who has been wonderful so far. In a recent article on surrogacy, it was proposed that both biological and intended parents have their names on the child’s birth certificate to give parental guardianship to all involved. What are your thoughts on this? I believe it’s important that the birth certificates are presented in such a way that both IPs are listed as they must be considered the child’s parents. I am not an expert in this field but in our case, both the anonymous egg donor and the surrogate have no interest in the raising of our child so, not sure why they would be needed on the birth certificate. We are Noa’s parents and if that could be just that, then I think that would be best. If you could influence government legislation, having gone through the surrogacy journey first hand abroad, what would you like to see change with immediate effect? As it stands, because we haven’t completed the legal process here in Ireland, our child is extremely vulnerable. If something were to happen to the biological parent, there would be no one legally responsible for her. This is why it is imperative that the HSE and the Minister for Health take this chance to protect all Irish children born via surrogacy. What piece of advice would both of you give other couples who are currently considering surrogacy as an option? Surrogacy is a full on rollercoaster ride but I would say to those who are considering it, do not delay. It can take some time so do your research, both here and in the country, you are considering, join some of the great Facebook groups that are out there, chat to your families and friends, and once you make your first step…. to celebrate every milestone!
John and Gonçalo, a married couple living in Co. Waterford, have recently welcomed their baby daughter Noa Rose. They sat down with us to have a chat regarding their surrogacy journey How long have you been together and how did you meet? We met almost 8 years ago while we were both living in London. We were together for 4 years before we decided to make the leap and move ourselves to Ireland as the quality of life here suited us much better. We tied the knot in September 2020 in our back garden instead of the original plan of my husband’s home country of Portugal… thank you Covid. We had a beautiful humanist ceremony in the Old Bank in Dungarvan followed by a really special ceremony, officiated by my sister Helen, in our living room with our closest families and lots of happy tears. It was truly an amazing day!
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