18 QUEEN OF BUSYNESS
I probably drank when I prepared dinner, I drank wine clearing up after dinner, I drank when the house was quiet under the guise of 'Me Time." I am definitely a victim of busy culture. I never sit down. There is always something that needs to be vacuumed, scrubbed, folded, or attended to there is always some errand that must get done right now. I never ever just sit on the couch. I squeeze my “me time” into the cracks of my stupid busy day- I will listen to a podcast on a walk (but chastise myself the whole time for not being able to “just walk”). I listen to something while driving, or call someone while driving or walking, or even putting laundry away. I read on my kindle in the car waiting to pick it up after school. I feel like I never ever stop to give any one thing my full attention. Multitasking was my badge of honor. I’ve been so used to running myself ragged till I’m spent. And lately, I don’t like it much. I think I’ve become boring. Small. I am just the sum of the tasks I complete or the errands I run. I am not sure how, but I know that over all these years, I have simply behaved my way into this way of being. So much of this is on me. I never ask for help. I’m the only one who sees dishes in the sink or laundry piled up or an empty pantry- I’m the only one who sees the dog tap the door to go out. I’m the only one who remembers his flea and tick medicine. I’m the only one who remembers to grab the dry cleaning. My job became one that makes it easier for everyone else to live their lives (which includes relaxation and possibly boredom). I just go go go go. It is compulsory to me. It’s my fault. And guess what? No surprise here, after all these years, I’ m starting to feel resentful. At least now I’m aware of what I’m doing. I am hopeful that with continued work I can let go of some of that busyness and allow myself to be bored. -Pledge 100 TARA (MCNULTY) J.G.
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