WINE OR ICE CREAM? Last night was, I believe, the most important moment that I decided not to drink in the history of all the moments I have decided not to drink. I had a mental health crisis triggered by the most banal and ridiculous thing ever, which is how I knew that this had been building for months, that I was trying so hard to be fine, but it wasn't fine, I was not fine. I had a moment when I knew that if I drank this evening, I was doing it with the clear intention that I was going to end my life. Whether that was this evening, through some intentional or unintentional act of self harm, or months or years down the line when alcohol would take me however it chose. I spent many, many minutes on hold to the mental health crisis line but hung up when I was "number 1 in the queue" because I was so scared of what I would say. I had to go to the shop, I kept thinking, because I need milk for the kids' breakfasts tomorrow. I could just get a bottle of wine. No one would know. The kids were at their dad's. No one would care. I had some money; I was going to the shop anyway. So I walked to the shop in a fog, feeling devastated. And in the small supermarket I got my milk and some bread for the kids' sandwiches and then I stood in front of the shelves of wine and I stared. I stared at it. Then I moved and stared at the ice cream in the freezer. I could have ice cream, I thought. I could have that instead. While I was standing there a woman I know from the school run, who I know quite well but not well enough to confide in, came up behind me with her shopping basket. "Not got the kids today," she asked, "having a bit of a rest?" "No," I said, and burst into tears.
In front of the ice cream and the wine. "Are you OK? Do you want to come back to mine for a chat?" No, I shook my head. I didn't want to be with anyone and she understood that. "Are you OK?" she asked again. "No," I said, "I'm trying to stop myself from buying a bottle. I've been sober 2 years but today I just thought, fuck it." She smiled, "sugar is good," pointing at the ice cream. I told her again I would be OK and she went off to pay. I picked up ice cream and frozen pizza and cheesecake and went to pay too. I went home. I watched "Glow Up" and ate my dinner. And when the kids came home later I felt such overwhelming fucking gratitude: I didn't drink. I felt such relief, such a calm feeling came over me. It was like I had given myself a second chance. I didn't want to leave my children. I didn't want to leave myself or this life. I don't want to end my life, but I want to end the life I am living now, where I am so lost from myself I cry in the supermarket and risk everything. In the morning I still felt overwhelmingly fucking thankful. And so very very tired." -Louise C - Pledge 100 TARA (Robinson)
Made with FlippingBook - Online magazine maker