I was 67 in June of 2019, when I Googled, “Am I an Alcoholic?” I now believe if one Googles said a question, they already know the answer. I certainly did. I was addicted to an addictive substance). On June 30th, I had my last drink. Actually, there were three bottles of champagne left in the fridge. Yup, all three down the hatch. On the morning of July 1, 2019, I began a 21-day reset with Sober Sis and I had moths flying out of my mouth and spiny lizards crawling out of my ass. I had one royal hangover for sure. My last. Twenty-one days turned to 30, then 60, then 90, then 366 (I chose a Leap Year!). Now as I write this, I am delightedly 1,182 days alcohol-free. Fast forward to September 2022. I survived COVID isolation, a break-up of a four-year relationship, and the loss of a 53-year friendship, I was still processing the death of both my parents, I celebrated my 70 birthday last October, I left my hometown of 35 years and my home of 25 to move to a new town this spring. I still marvel that I managed all of this without a drop of alcohol. In addition, I decided when I got settled in Knoxville, my new home, I would begin opening up channels to meet someone. At the time a very wise friend said to me, “Invite in a partner, not a project.” She couldn’t have been more right. All my relationships up until that point had been projects: my trying to fix someone to be what I wanted for myself. I made a list. I got real with myself about what I wanted, how I want to be treated, how I want to be loved, even down to what he would look like! The thing about dating when you are sober is profound clarity. As I joined Our Time, writing my profile was an eye-opener: I wasn’t hiding anything. Writing with the purity of words and complete honesty was breathtaking. Being sober helped me be very clear about what I wanted and what I was not willing to sacrifice. I am completely at peace with myself. I am not going to compromise. I am not looking for Mr. Perfect: he only exists in plastic doll form, named Ken. However, I wasn’t willing to accept less than I felt I deserved.
My ego was left at the dating site door. Being clear- headed and clear-hearted, I was able to decipher the men just saying what they thought I wanted to hear and the ones who were genuine. Swipe left, and get rid of that one. Precious, wise beyond her years, Andrea, whom I asked to review this article, added these words which resonate deeply and I wanted you to have her wisdom as well. “Sober dating is teaching me the difference between really liking someone and being infatuated. In tandem, teaching me to understand my value like never before. It can be easy to get infatuated, but doing this sober will give you an awareness that will surprise you. Don’t be hard on yourself, especially in the beginning stages. In dating too, when you take a pause, you will notice things more acutely--including old patterns. You will be in a position to show up and respond as the authentic you this time. This time around, I notice and am aware of the value I bring to a partnership; I no longer rush and simply accept the next best thing. My tip? Taking it slow is a WIN-WIN. I navigate situations with more awareness of my power and my ability to choose.”
So powerful dear Andrea!
ALICE PARVIN
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