A flip was switched. Boom! Clear as day. Seeing him again that night, I had a powerful realisation. The moment when you finally realise that there’s nothing you will ever say or ever do will ever change their minds, and only your death would elicit some sympathy (this may even be a stretch too far). And this is exactly what happened, I had my epiphany. It was strange, in many ways I felt like I didn’t know myself. But there it was, calm, accepting. Done. When his lip curled or I saw him cringe and force a reply to my niceness toward him, I didn’t cower; feel bad or try to push my conversation and niceness on him, I was just me. It is without a doubt one of the most powerful moments I have ever had. It was powerful, one because I just accepted his hatred and two because it was fucking liberating. Liberating to know that this guy wasn’t wanting to forgive me, he wanted to stay in his hate, that was his. It was truly liberating to know he can stay in that hate and that is up to him, he is allowed, and guess what, it no longer has anything to do with me, it’s all his. After all, I didn’t murder anyone, I didn’t sacrifice anyone and I certainly didn’t do anything that would warrant 9 years of hatred. My punishment was over. My 9 years of jail time were well and truly survived. I was liberated to know that he hates me but I was more than OK with it.I didn’t care, not in the arrogant sense, but I had let it go. I had made a mistake, during one of the worst times of my life, and he will never know that, nor does he even have to and at that moment, on that very night, I forgave myself on his behalf. I didn’t care whether he continued to hate me, I knew it was undeserved and was out of date. I did not want to try and explain my why, tell him how it was for me, ask for forgiveness, and to kiss his ass whilst laying all my emotional cards on the table. But if I had been drunk I know for sure that’s where I would have gone, only to be met with a scolding and rejection anyway. I felt amazing for knowing this in advance, for not wasting my precious time selling the new version of me to someone who didn’t want what I was selling and let’s face it probably wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire. As I reflected on who I am now and all the personal growth I have done, I was well and truly at peace with his hate and totally happy with who I am now and whilst it is sad and as humans we struggle to accept it, I am liberated with my truth. And just like that, I accepted what I could not change. Lots of Love, Emma ❤️
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