This is the genesis of the national “Puppies Are Cute Act,” also known as PACA because everything in D.C. needs an acronym. It should be noted that, while passing with a huge bipartisan majority, PACA almost failed due to a last-minute amendment to expand the law to kittens. Fearing a divisive floor fight, the “Kittens Are Cute Too” amendment was labeled a “poison-pill” and deemed out of order by the Rules Committee. With his newly adopted Labrador retriever puppy (hand-selected by members of his campaign team) on his lap, the president signs PACA into law to the cheers of the attending Rose Garden crowd (also hand-selected by members of his campaign team). He proclaims that cute puppies are an essential part of the American way of life, and that cute puppy ownership will be the best thing to happen to our GDP since the “New Deal.” To get to this point, however, the law was written with intentional vagueness so as not to offend any special interests. Now the dirty details need to be figured out by the regulators. Un-elected bureaucrats must now decide what “cute” is (regulators aren’t good with subjectivity) and what constitutes a “puppy” (should be fairly objective, but – what with possible PETA accusations of “canine ageism” – you never know). Strict guidelines are laid out for eyeball-to-head and paw-to-body size ratios that must be achieved to certify puppy cuteness. Due to pressure from AARP (which was concerned about the discriminatory term “young pup” being associated with societal worth), no specific age limit was imposed on the definition of a puppy. The cat lobby was once again thwarted
in its effort to define puppy as a “canine OR feline.” Once “cute puppies” have been defined, it is time for the societal engineers to go to work to force Americans to acquire these pets (whether they want them or not) “for their own good!” Tax incentives are created to encourage cute puppy ownership, and puppy- chow food stamps are issued to any family with an income below, at, or substantially over the poverty line. It should be noted that no work requirement was placed on this benefit, as it was argued that it is cheaper to stay home and walk your own puppy than to hire a dog-walker while you are at work. Sick- puppy leave is mandated while the debate over federally funded doggy day care rages on. Since there is now money and social engineering involved, enforcement and fines for violations are established. By intentional omission, PACA placed no limits on private rights of action. Smelling blood/money in the water, a cottage industry of class-action lawyers begins issuing demand letters to upper-class/deep-pocketed puppy-owners, citing the “lack of cuteness of your puppy” and threatening a lengthy and expensive court case. To avoid the legal mess, however, the lawyers will be willing to accept a payoff (they call it a “settlement”) of $1,000 – or about a quarter of the cost to legally defend the aesthetic value of your little best friend. Most defendants settle. As the national love affair with cute puppies continues to grow, more and more resources are poured into the care and well-being of our cherished balls of fur. This does not go
84 June 2018
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