practice which is not rare. Furthermore, if this is the only time that the child sees his parent, he may resent the fact that his father cares about his soul but not about him. The very busy father should plan at least one leisurely mealtime which is not filled with accounts of disappointments in some church elder or the back sliding of some convert, but is centered about topics and interests which the child can share. These may range from the child’s activity in school to plans for family occasions later or may even include discussions of items of current interest as the child grows older. Whenever possible the child should feel free to go to his father with problems which are disturbing him. Perhaps an occasional family “ game night” may be appropriate. What is arranged should be suitable to the personalities of the parents and the ages and capabilities of the chil dren so that it can be truly fun for all. It should be added at this time that the phrase “fun for all” is the real goal of a family time together. What was appropriate when the child was six or seven may be singularly unattractive to the young adolescent, who may resent his father’s attempt to keep him in child hood or to be a “pal” to him. Furthermore, the needs of the parents themselves must be considered. One of the great joys of life is to be a father or mother. The man who does not.take the time to know his children, to find pleasure in them, and to delight in their viewpoint, their presence, and his role as a father has certainly impoverished himself. He may discover that his chil dren are grown before he realizes the tremendous loss to himself and to the proper development of his own personality. Up to this point the matter of mere time has been discussed. Even more important than the number of hours which the parent gives his child is the extent to which he can give of himself. The apportioning of a certain number of minutes a day is not enough. A mother may spend thirty minutes every four hours holding her child while he is nursing. This time is important. However, can she give of herself while she is giving the thirty minutes? Does she feel exhausted and strained by the demands made by the child not only in feeding but in other parts of his life? Certainly the ability to give of the self is more important in the Jong run than the quantity of time spent with the infant. Quality is very important. A child, coming home excited from some experience at school, may burst into a rather long and involved narrative of what is important to him. Suddenly he will interrupt his account with the cry, “Mother, you’re not listening!” The knowledge that she does not really care what happens to him frightens him and makes him angry. Of course, no parent is able at every moment to switch from his own problems to those of the child, but if there is a constant tendency to give food, clothing, and hours mechanically and without a concomitant giv ing of self, the child senses his deprivation very keenly. Many of the behavior problems of children may be more easily understood if this is borne in mind. The child must have attention or he will die psychologically. If this attention is given with love and warmth, all to the good. If no such love is apparent, the child would prefer anger and punishment to being ignored. This is often noted in the matter of feeding problems. An outstanding pediatrician recalled that he was once called to help with a badly undernourished child, the child of two professional people who were keenly in telligent. The child was given every advantage, with a nurse to care for him all day. The parents under stood that they must give some time to the child and had him join them every night for supper. However, 16
he did not eat and the supper meal 'became essentially a long battle over whether or not he would take his vegetables and his meat. After several discussions with the child, the doctor realized that, there was something here which he could not understand. He therefore ad vised that for a short while the child eat separately with his nurse and not with his parents. When he told the child of his decision, the youngster burst out with the statement, “ You’re taking away my last chance!” This gave the doctor a clue and he talked over the problem further with the child. He discovered that the parents, though allowing the child to eat with them, would begin with a discussion of some problem in their professional lives and would occupy the entire mealtime with a discussion of this problem. If the child ate well, they were gratified that he was not disturbing them and continued with their conversation. However, when the child did not eat, one or the other would turn to him and cajole or threaten him. As long as the child was a feeding problem he held the interest of both father and mother in the only way that he was able. After supper he would invariably be banished to the nursery away from them as they prepared for their work of the next day. The parents were both intelligent young people and were finally persuaded of the truth of this cause for the child’s malnutrition. This particular story had a good ending. However, similar situations are noted repeatedly among Christian workers who consult the doctor because their children toy with food and are markedly under weight. Sometimes an outsider with a litle insight, seeing that the child gains attention through refusing to eat or by temper tantrums or by playing noisily, will re mark rather contemptuously, “ All that child is trying to do is get attention!” Of course the child is trying to gain attention. As was stated before, without attention he will never de velop properly; his personality will always be withdrawn or demanding. The parents would do well to study the situation in order to give the child the proper kind of affectionate, warm interest he needs if he is to mature. With his requirements satisfied, the unsatisfactory meth ods by which the child attempts to gain some sort of relationship with his parents will almost invariably dis appear in time. At times a Christian parent will tell his children that he is praying every one of them out to the mission field. It seems to me that in this circumstance the father is presuming to know God’s will for each of his chil dren. The children, of course, find themselves in an in tolerable position. To go into missionary service may merely be a reflection of the parent’s will and not that of God. To refuse to go into missionary service will then seem an unworthy and almost sacrilegious act and will certainly indicate rebellion against the human father if not against the Heavenly. There is a special grace needed for parents to realize that a child may honestly not be suited for the particular calling which to the father or mother seems to be the most ideal for their offspring. ABOUT THE AUTHOR;
This article is tak en from “ Personal ity Development in the Christian Life,” p u b l i s h e d b y Moody Press, Chi cago, 111.; $3.25.
Dr. Frame was born in Iran in 1911 of missionary parents. H e was graduated from Wheaton College and Northwestern University M e d i c a l School. In 1947 and 1951 he was a medical missionary to Iran, and since 1952 has had a medical practice in New York City.
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