From Riley’s mom… From very early on in life I sought acceptance. I looked for it in all the wrong places. Stunts, boys, drinking. When I didn’t find it, I needed something to escape. Almost 40 and it was apparent the role alcohol played in my life, was a big one. I had a career, and I was a great mom, but I was empty. I had two failed marriages and was unsure of what I had really accomplished. Were my parents even proud of me? A party weekend here and there had now turned into 1-2 bottles a night by myself. I just felt – heartbroken. Not knowing what I was looking for, I started searching. I went to therapy, church, sound baths, Reiki, cleanses, you name it. Then one day, there it was looking back at me in the mirror. I was looking for…me. Riley played such a huge part in my awakening. Because of her precocious nature and immense bravery, her persistence helped save my life. When she first talked to me about my drinking habits, I was defensive. I was teaching her how to “drink responsibly” as one might see on an alcohol label. I actually said those words out loud to her. She had a roof over her head, she was fed, and she didn’t want for anything. I didn’t believe anything was wrong!
What I realized was through my refusal to validate her feelings. I was trying to protect myself, my daughter’s view of me, and my legacy. Even after I stopped drinking it took some work to really own up to the truth of my daughter's words. Perhaps I am comfortable right now because right now I am comfortable in my sobriety (not complacent, comfortable). A big lesson I have relearned is perception is reality. As I explore my own childhood through writing, I know the perception I have of my childhood is my truth and it played a vital role in shaping me. It is no different for Riley. It is no different for our children. I realized that because I was looking for my worth outside of myself, I was creating pain inside. I read “quit lit” books and joined programs. I learned neuroscience and connected with other women like me. I cannonballed into personal development books and found myself growing every day. Now I am over 2 years alcohol-free. I know my worth. I am married to a man who is in full support of me being me. And I have a little girl, who can look up to her mom. I want to help change the world. I have a quote I was always drawn to by Mary Oliver. This quote is a question. And I can finally answer it, truly.
“What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” -Mary Oliver
HOLA SOBER | MADRID
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