Letting Go Without Checking Out: How Parenting Shifts During the College Years BY AMELIA ROESSLER S ending a child off to college can be one of the most emotional milestones in parenting. As time flies, the days of something new. But Burton says sometimes those emotions come with increased sadness, the parent doesn’t necessarily have to put as much emphasis on their child anymore, and are then faced with their emotions that have been placed to the side,” she says.
loneliness, anxiety, and role confusion. “Role confusion is a normal, but uncom- fortable, part of development that comes when parenting is no longer the main focus of an adult’s life. It can take some time to adjust to reducing emphasis on parenting duties and instead focusing on things that bring fulfillment to parents,” says Burton. She also explains that no emotion is wrong or inherently bad, and she prefers to use “favorable” or “unfavorable” to describe emo- tions rather than positive or negative. This stage can feel harder than parents ex- pect, even with a successful transition. Burton says parents tend to focus on their child’s ex- perience and emotions, and forget that they also will experience change. “Parents help their children logistically prepare for college, help process the mixed emotions upcoming college students have, and even put their own experience to the side to support their child. When there is a successful transition,
changing diapers, helping with homework, dropping them off at school activities, and packing lunches fade into the rearview mir- ror. It’s time for them to go to college. As parents, you try to remain confident that the foundation you have built over the past 18 years will be able to accompany your child across the miles and throughout the years. But how do you navigate the transition as a parent? How do you navigate indepen- dence and set boundaries that benefit both you and your child? MIXED EMOTIONS Marti Burton, MA, ALC, NCC, EMDR-T, and therapist at Empower Counseling & Coach- ing, says she sees a mix of emotions from parents when a child leaves for college. Many times she will see pride, fulfillment, and excitement at a child getting into college, receiving scholarships, or just experiencing
SETTING BOUNDARIES An important first step for parents setting new boundaries is to have open and honest conversations between parent(s) and chil- dren, Burton explains. Exploring what exactly the child wants and/or needs while being curious, but also realistic, as to what you as a parent can provide during this time helps set groundwork and expectations. Helpful topics of discussion can include how often visits can occur (that goes both ways for parents visiting college and students coming home), how involved parents can be in academics and school life, and expectations around communication. Most importantly, Burton says it’s important to remain flexible. “We often don’t know what life will look like until we are living it, and boundaries that make sense on the
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